Marriage Equality & Biblical Family Values

So, we just got the freedom to do what has been right forever. The fact that we needed to have this basic human right bestowed upon us by a bunch of authorized cishet is preposterous. We all nerd to get a grip on life here, and ac knowledge all the human rights that exist FOR ALL.

Contemplating marriage this weekend, I really wanted to make this Historic Day, even more remarkable by announcing my wedding, with my fiancè.  I've thought about this even more, as I prayed and studied.

I was astonished to realize that I have been utterly lied to all my life. I chuckled and groaned everyone my girlfriend talked about, "there is no such thing as marriage ever mentioned in the Bible". I was not only wrong, but gravely wrong
 Turns out my wonderful, Lucrezia, is absolutely right.....about everything. I have even more Sapiosexual Attraction to her.....that's attraction to intelligence in others, for all the erotic-centric folks.

How could this be? I was taught that marriage wasringback a sacred covenant, that it is the reason for the law of chastity to even exist. You know, the thing Mormons use to filter out those they deem as unworthy, the ones The PLAN OF HAPPINESS does not apply to. It is their way of avoiding the plain as day reality, that they are a grossly bigoted church. With this new reality, they have nothing to hide behind. Millions of TLGBQIA couples are fully abiding and living the law of chastity now.

So this has caused the church to go into it's regressive reactionary mode. Saying that the church has not changed its mind on marriage. But that is a stark lie. They  have now gone ALL-IN to publicly being a bigoted church, by changing the DISapplicatin of doctrine by announcing to the world that The Gospel, and the Plan of Happiness cannot be lived by TLGBQIA People, and IT DOES NOT APPLY TO THEM.

For the very first time, the Mormon Church has publicly recognized they are bigoted, and are cisgender, heterosexual supremacists. That we are to be judged by them, excluded, ostrasized, and excommunicated by them
 That we are to be deemed 3/5ths of a human being and excluded from full standing. They really don't even want us coming through the door

Because the General Authority was made aware that I was a Woman who held the Priesthood, they ordered my local leaders to sanction me. My Stake President saw fit to bring me in his office and tell me to my face I am a Korihor. He proceeded to read me the Korihor passages in the Book of Mormon. For those not familiar, Korihor was an Anti-Christ, who was getting personal revelations from Lucifer and his associates. He went on to accuse me of being an Anti-Christ. This coming from a man, who for a year, sat with me in Relief Society, and moving me to full fellowship as a Woman attending Priesthood. The Church shit their pants on that one. They put me all over the news to set me up for failure.

My SP was now to my face telling me I'M an Anti-Christ, and all my personal revelations in the Celestial Room of the Temple, all my personal revelations in Sacrament, that I am completely and utterly female, that I always have been, and will be eternally female, my resurrection will be as a female, that all of this was given to me by Lucifer. I was beyond mortified. I felt I was just killed. Like my fiancè being continuously killed every day by her parents and family, from an Pentecostal Four Square background, telling her she was possessed by the devil, and needed it beaten out of her. Permanent physical and mental scars are her memories of her bio family.

My Stake President continued to lay out new ground rules for me. I was to not partake of Sacrament, I was never to speak, or read scripture, never bear my testimony, never pray, never attend the 2nd or 3rd hour of church, and never use any bathroom. "Thus is not a disfellowship", he said.

Now I have my basic human right  restored to me (like anyone had the right to steal it from me), I know I cannot marry on my own lifelong church. It hits me further that I have been lied to about everything concerning marriage.

Christians and the Mormons have made up everything about marriage from whole cloth. No where in the Bible, does the word "M--A--R--R--I--A--G--E"  exist! Nowhere, Nada, nothing. All bull-shit. The concept never even appears. And nobody can convince me that a ceremony for A man and wife, is anything to do with marriage. Anybody can have a party and self proclaim them self the owner of a wife.....the concept that existed for thousands of years. A wedding is not a marriage. Come on all you biblical literalists! You're going to cherry pick your symbolism now. I got news for you, that mouthwash ain't makin it.

It goes back to Adam and Eve. All the talking points the Radical Right Wingers spew, from their forked tongues, about not being Adam and Steve. All complete bunk. They were never married. Never happened.  These Evango-Nazis and Christo-Fascists, use the Bible to prop up their conservative ideology of prejudices and bigotries. They harp on Biblical Family Values, as if the Bible has a clear message on marriage and sexuality. Nothing can be further from the truth.

Let's be clear. There is no such thing as biblical family values, because the bible never does address the topic clearly, neither does it address it consistently. If you consider the men with 40 wives, and 100 concubines....how does this have anything to do with marriage? It certainly does not, as it is the epitome of libidinousness, and liscentiousness. Craven lust, and slavery. Such heroes are guilty of the most wicked whoredomes. No marriage ever existed for any of those women, neither was there a wedding.

JESUS NEVER MARRIED.  Just think about. The most important concept in all of Christianity, arguably is, the fact that Jesus is the only perfect example from a mortal being. He showed us all that ever needs to be done to gain salvation. He did not have a wedding, he did not say he had a wife, he did not have a marriage. Yet, wee know that he was sexualy active, from the books the ideologically slanted men from the Apostasy, tried to hide from us, with hundreds of ungodly councils and creeds, and make disappear. BUT God gave them back to us.

Jesus said to abandon all domestic and household concerns, and simply follow him. This means everything to do with being married as being pointless, and unnecessary. Nowhere does Jesus ever mention marriage, or that even the concept is a good thing.

We know from Matt.19:10-13, that there are Eunuchs born of their mothers womb. Tranagender, and all TLGBQIA People are made exactly perfect from God. We are who we are supposed to be. We also learn that some people make themselves Eunuchs,  for the purpose of gaining salvation....Jesus is saying all this! This is the biggest repudiation of the concept of marriage, and never any of the bibles have endorsements of marriage.....let alone 'ringing' ones.

Paul encouraging all of us, in 1Cor.7:27, NOT TO BE SEEKING A WIFE.

Why do modern Christians think the Bible, endorses 19th Century, Bogus, Feigned, Family Values. The Bible fully endorses some of the most heinous sexuality ever imagined. In Duet. 13:30, a man is obliged to keep a NEW wife, if the one wife displeases him on the wedding night.  A man must marry a woman he has raped. The right of men to rape their slaves.

Have the Biblical Family Values ever even read their Bible? I have to think that in no way whatsoever have they ever attempted it. What they do have is an agreed upon list of cherry-picking talking points, which are all DIS interpreted, figments of their imaginations to fit their Conservative ideology.... thinking it to legitimize all their bigotries and supremacisms. They really do think their shit don't stink. I feel so much pity for them. Burdened to think they are supposed to do the job of God, to do the judging of all of us. Self Divinating themselves the authority to do so.

In thinking about how I now feel about this great and historic day of freedom and Equality with everything MARRIAGE, and about my own impending wedding and marriage. I think about how I was lied to all my life. Despite there being no Biblical basis to back up and legitimize marriage, I feel stronger than ever that Marriage is the grrates and most moral and wholesome beneficence to society. Because it is a man-made invention, and comes nothing from religion. This is wonderful news, not a devastation. All the world can partake of this if they want to. No Mormon Church can tell me I can't be married......in fact, they can't tell me I can't get sealed.  We are now told, by the General Authority in Salt Lake, that the Church can never compell us to believe or disbelieve anything. This is also quite historic and hopeful. They announced, that we do not need to be in unanimous agreement on everytbing, that they can only attempt to PURSUED any of us through love unfeigned and gentle loving kindness. Hallelujah! The Church FINALLY read it's own doctrinal filter....D&C 134, and our 13 Articles of Faith.....that we never have a right to usurp anyone's free agency, neither compell them in any way whatsoever, to believe any certain thing, or worship a certain way. They have opened the door to new PROPHESIES,  that will magically spring forth when our Tax Exempt status is threatened.....that's how we expelled our racial bigotry against Blacks, in tbeory.....though we have attempted little to nothing to adress the fundamental racism still in the church.

All in all. Things are not so bad. Things are changing for the better. The WORLD IS GOING AHEAD AND BUILDING ZION....making heaven a place on earth. Never before have so many good and wonderful people been doing so much good in the world. I have never been so happy in all my life. Things are getting better. Things are getting better every day.

My best wishes to all of you for staying with me in my long hiatus. I am still alive.....and I guarantee you, I am still going FULL--GO--AT--THROTTLE--UP!

ALWAYS,

LEAH

THE RAZOR CUTS

     Greetings, my dear friends. I have had quite a busy summer, not to mention the most amazing year of my life. As of today, I have been 15 moths living full time as my real identity, 11 months with my legal name and change of sex, and 10 months on hormones, 4 months in therapy. I am soon to embark on my first vacation as Leah. From September 2 until the 24th, I will be in Utah. So book now for your piece of the action with me.I'm going to Comicon, and Affirmation, is all I know for sure. Some hiking in Bryce and Zion, and the Wasatch, or better yet, the High Uintas, is paramount. September 13, I consider my ReBirthday, as that was when I was legally declared Leahnorah, and a Female., I will be 1. That will be big.

     I have been getting a lot out of my therapy sessions every Wednesday at Noon. I have made quite a lot of progress already. Much of the PTSD, Trauma, Rape and Abuse is still to come, and is the first thing to be covered when I return from Utah. I have been thinking about some of my past rape and abuse, since having been a target of sexual assault not once, but twice this summer. I have written a poem about one such case. It has hurt me for decades, and I vow to conquer it this year, and move forward with my life.

     WARNING:  Mature subject matter. Triggers ( long term rape, molestation,and abuse)

                                                           THE RAZOR CUTS

Dreaming in my dreaming, sisterly things all in my head
not understanding, why I am.
sister has all I have, she is pink, I am blue
she a ballerina, I a bear cub.
Dreaming in my dreaming, by day and by night
always pretending, being someone I'm not.

I see mom, I see dad, I see sister, I see brother
this is not really happening.....not really.
Knowing I am me, I have a secret I must keep
knowing I'm a she, no one would believe, it cannot be.
I want long hair, but deaf ears for a barber
it's boy cuts for you son, crew crew crew.

Years pass, still dreaming in my dreaming
now with means to express my reality
going to stores, I'm just a kid
they won't suspect, I shop for me, myself and I.
Delivering morning news at 4 am, pretty girly frilly I am
Razor sees, Razor knows, Razor plans, Razor goes.

Razor says, fun fun fun, we can have the time of our lives.
Cure, frou-frou, sissy, Lu-Lu
Promises promises, you can have them all.
Promises, happiness, excitement--in the sun
Prettiest dress I ever did see
Have it, wear it, you'll have a ball

Movie--Sunshine--Vast darkness swells
Micky Mouse--Psychedelic--Rainbows-- Hippies
Animation, pretending, why can't I like it?
Lonely girl sitting all quiet, pretty as can be
never been so happy, happy as can be.
I am me....me in broad daylight, never been done before.

Micky Mouse movie, why can't I like it?
Sitting in the corner, never been so dark
Why the edge, the back, so out of the way, no one around?
A creeping growing chasm is sucking me in:
A chasm of darkness
a chasm of fear
a chasm of horror
a chasm of emnity
a chasm from humanity
a chasm from familiar
a chasm from love
a chasm from empathy
a chasm from compassion

     Razor cracks
     Razor beats
     Razor Kills
     Razor smells
     Razor brings all hell on earth
     Fire--brimstone--apocolypse--cataclysm
     Filth--wickedness--hand of Razor
          on my thigh, on my breast
          Oh My God, who are you now?

Razor's got me in his grasp,
"Touch This", my ears bleed
slashed with a thousand stabs.
"Touch This", straight and narrow
"Touch This", rod of wickedness.
Stroke me, stroke me--that's The Razor.....cutting, burning, stunning, shocking, killing.

Lightning bolt eternal, forever and ever, never ceasing
continuing forever, hells never imagined, hells never dreamed.
Lightning and lava, splashing all over
Lightning and lava, running through my body
descending into oblivion--turning to winter
OH MY GOD, nowhere to hide, crying, sobbing, I tremble
     I'VE BEEN CUT--I'M GONNA DIE

As doomsday, my hand is bleeding, my backside is bleeding
My heart is bleeding, my soul is bleeding
My girl is bleeding all over my dress
Milky thick dross, spread all over
My secret is dead
My God! My God! I AM CUT....RAZOR KILLED ME TONIGHT

Leah Isaak


     And so goes the razor, part one.
    

I AM ENOUGH, Part 2: Enduring a Boyhood

     In exactly one week I will be commemorating one year since I moved to Portland, Oregon. It almost coincides with me being one year since transitioning, and living full time as my true authentic self. Yes, my true self, having known this, unflinchingly, and unwavering, since age 4, is a female person. I am a Woman. I am a Girl. I am a fully under the transgender umbrella, which holds myriad identities, one of them beinng Transsexual, which I am. I identify as the opposite sex from which I was assigned at birth, and no other identity describes who I am. My gender is Lipstick Femme, which is somewhat uncommon, as a catagory. But even then, that is only a simple grouping of commonalities. Gender is very unique, and it is never duplicated. There are currently 7.2 Billion living examples of gender in the world, of which I am only one. There has never been anyone like me, isn't anyone like me right now, and never will be anyone like me. It is bothersome to me that most people conflate gender and sex. They have nothing to do with each other. Gender is between our ears. It is our sentience, our mind and our brain. Sex is between our legs, and is heavily executed as a single dichotomous binary, being female and male. In reality is far more comlicated than this black and whiting absolutism. There are at least 68 known chromosomial sexes, not the two everyone thinks there is. I'll leave it to others to go into that, but I wanted to point these things out.

     Growing up, I was constantly teased and ridiculed as being a sissy. Being a tomboy is perfectly acceptable, and there are an equal number of it's opposite in the male presenting world. that is to say, being a sissy. Most of them closet it so well, they don't have to deal with being teased or beated up like I was. It was horrible. I was called femme, lezzy, faggot, and sissy, as early as grade school. Thank God my folks moved across town in my 5th grade year. No one at my new school knew or saw me wearing dresses at school, that my Kindergarted teacher adored me in, from her daily dress up times. They piled on me, wanting to make me cry, and sometimes they did. It caused me to internalize everything, and live a double life that I never told anyone about. It was deeply imbedded into my conscience, the daily nightmare I had to live. Waking up each morning, looking nothing like the pretty girl self I dreamed I was. The only solice I had was that I didn't have any external genitalia, and it gave me hope I would one day turn into the girl I knew I was. The perceptions of those kids was spot on. they knew it, I knew it, and they knew I knew I was a girl.

     Those perceptions were quickly picked up on, in my new school, right off the bat. The same names, especially femme, lezzy, and sissy. By Middle School it grew to going all-in to what they thought I was....."Bobbie's going to get a sex change.....", repeated over and over in chants. I had grown to appear as though I had a thick skin, and was unflappable. I knew deep down in my heart of hearts it was true. I felt like pulling down my pants to shock the hell out of them, because they would truly see that, Yes, in fact, I was a girl, for all intents and purposes. But I had shame, a lot of it, plus, a serious battle with incontinence, that led to me being extremely guarded and secretive at all times. For P.E., I was allowed to change in a single stall, and shower seperately most days. a few times I couldn't, and that was so incredibly mortifying. several boys saw I had no external male genitalia. Some of them had hair and genitals the size of my dad's (a part time nudist, at least around the house). There was no question that I was not a boy, but I couldn't bring myself to declare I was a girl. So much pressure, from every aspect of my life, to tough it out, and be macho. I was doomed to experience the full sojourn, of this thing called boyhood.

     I knew I had a big epic moment to endure. Sooner or later it just had to come. How were they going to reconcile the fact that I was beginning to develop secondary female sex characteristics. Surely I will go to a doctor one day. They will say something, and I can peacefully begin to live as the girl I knew myself to be. But my dad could provide us with no health insurance. Something about pre-existing conditions, especially for my mom, who had high blood pressure, diabetes, and was severely overweight. So no physicals came. None of us went to the doctor. I was getting quite aware that something was indeed wrong with me. I was very nurturing and caring, and loving as a child. I was well trusted as a babysitter, even at age 11 and 12. I even babysat toddlers, and changed diapers. For goodness sakes, their genitalia was pretty good sized, and I had none. I knew I was different. Weird. An Aberration. Being a hockey player for a few years, to get to play with the 12 years olds you have to get a complete physical. This was it. They would see, and I would finally be a girl, right?

     Not exactly. In fact the first indication of things not working out as I had hoped, was when my mom, who had to be there, saw me, and immediately face palmed hersef, exclaiming, "Oh my God. What's wrong with him."  You never want to hear that as a reaction to the sight of your crotch....no not ever, especially from your mom. The doctor brought two more doctors in, and they interrogated me. It was just the most aweful thing. I started to cry, and so did my mom. They brought nurses in, and escorted my mom out, and they put me on a table and spread my legs in stirrups, poking and prodding me. I wanted to blurt out, "But I'm a Girl!!....Please let me be a Girl!!" But I lost my voice from crying. I couldn't say it, at least not loud enough for anyone to hear. Soon after that, I was to begin a regimen of pills and cocktails that years later I learned were estrogen blockers, and mega doses of testosterone, along with other drugs. It took till my Junior year of High School for my secondary female sex characteristics to dissappear, and a complete year after High School to start male puberty. Having to endure all of High School with no discernable puberty was so painful, I can hardly believe I made it through.

     Waking up every single day of my life, knowing I am a transsexual, was not easy, especially considering I was born and raised in the Mormon Church, which is hung up on an extreme version of hetero and cis normative cosmology. I went to Primary on Tuesdays, which was fun, for the most part. I always sat with the girls, and loved singing the loudest, because I loved my soprano voice. I was asked to do several solos, it was considered so pretty. Being in church skits and roadshows, I was almost always stuck, or at least I protested it that way, with playing the part of a girl. But I secretly loved it. I was in Cub Scouts and Boy s
Scouts all the way to Eagle Scouts. My dad was the Scoutmaster for a long time. I couldn't let him down and embarrass him. I had other scout leaders, whom I adored. Some of them Women, were the best ones. I had so many primary Teachers whom I adored, and remember well to this day. They have a huge roll in the person i am today. I am very grateful and thankful to them. I could not have had any better instruction.

     It is just fascinating the opportunity I have been given to finally have counseling for the first time in my life. I've seen a counselor for the last 3 months, and it has been a godsend. She is helping me resolve so many of my weaknesses, and conundrums. It hasn't been easy. Either in her office or without. I have experienced not one, but two sexual assaults in the last 3 weeks. This in turn has triggered all the other times I was raped, molested and abused, and taken advantage of. This is all topped off with my Faith Transition, if that is even the right terminology. I will never make everyone happy, especially the ones I'm closest to. Here's the bottom line. My spirituality has never changed, or lessoned, in fact it has been augmented, increased, nurtured and grown into a beautiful bright light, I am letting so shine before the world. My Spirituality is neither resigned, quitting, or being excommunicated from anything. In reality, neither has my Religiosity. I have always been somewhat a-religioistic, in the sense I have never felt compelled to perpetrate my spirituality or my religion(s) onto anyone. Share yes, perpetrate no. I believe in letting all people worship, how, where, and what they may, both outside and inside the Church. I believe that D&C is the Prime Directive of the Church, and its affairs in the public sphere. I believe this directive to be unconditional bedrock doctrine, that is currently in open heresy, being openly and brazenly violated, in that, the church can never be allowed to pursue the public law codification of any matter that causes any person to go against their good conscience, or disenfranchised from the opportunity to act on their good conscience, in anything whatsoever. That is the bare minimum, the details of which can be another post.

     Let me be clear. As of now, I have not given up on the Mormon Church. I am not resigning or quitting. I am a Mormon and always will be. I hold out hope that things can be changed as slow as this effort may take. I have great love and affinity for the Mormon church and many of the people in it. A good number of my best friends are Mormons, and ex-Mormons. I love them both. I intend to keep on affiliating with and loving both. I intend to affiliate with Unitarian Universalists, Pagans, Buddhists, Muslums, Jews, and the Community of Christ. Maybe others. This is what my personal revelation tells me, this is from God, not Lucifer, or a demon. My countenance has never been so happy anbd bright. No demon can privide such a thing, biut darkness and misery. My heart and soul, tells me this is true and the right path for me at this time. I am not saying goodbye to anyone, only hello to a grat many lovely, beautiful and wonderful people.

     In spite of a very painful month coming to this understanding about my Religiosity, and the incredibly injurous attacks on me, sexually, in spite of myriad things coming together in confluence at the same time, housing, job, and more, I stand before you, a strong, and happy woman. I am happy to be me. I am happy and so grateful to have so much love, and support from so many friends. they have helped me move, gather belongings in consolidation, acquire furniture (a bed so far), comfort me in my time of deep distress, and play with me in times of utter joy and happiness. They have offered me a place to stay, so I wouldn't be homeless, give me food and clothing, that I may be healthy to function, given me job leads, and references, and are emergency contacts and benefactors. They have absolutely saved my life, and given me this second chance at life. I owe them everything. I would be nothing without them.

Never in my life have I been as happy and joyful as I am right now. It is all because of what has transpired and transitioned, and because of my transformation, and blossoming into the woman that I still am becoming. Each day I waken a new woman, a happier woman, a more enlightened, and transformational woman. I am so proud to be a Transsexual Woman, and be working for others that are like me, in the Transgender Umbrella, as well as thge nentire TLGBQ Community, and other social justice programs. My entire life has brought me to this point where I am sitting here typing this right now. The universe is truly unfolding as it should. Things are getting better. Things are getting better every single day. I love each and every one of you. Thank you for supporting me, and being my ally and friend.


Faithfully and Joyfully Yours,

Leahnora L. Isaak
(Leah)

I AM ENOUGH: Staring Down a Faith Transition, While Transitioning, Part One

There are so many things I need to catch everybody up on. But first of all, I need to start dealing with the thing that has caused me the most distress in my life. So here goes.

I would like to share what I posted in a group a couple nights ago, that many people are asking me about. Instead of sharing it individually with everyone, here on my blog. I want to share with all those I know. I have no secrets. No so called 'TBM' family members to hide anything from. These are my real feelings, and they are really hurting me.

Trigger Warning: I am not self inhibiting myself here. I'm pretty damned hurt, and I sure as heck am not ready to make nice. I love all my friends, be they inside, transitioning, or fully outside the church, or outside every faith altogether now. My intention is only to discuss my feelings, and no other purpose. Not to hurt anyone, least of all. Many of the things I am now revealing, is new information to a lot of you. You need to know, I'm not arriving at these feelings out of the blue. Nothing has snapped inside of me. No epiphany has been realized yet. I want to be very clear, that I cannot bear to abide this sadistic status quo for much longer. It is doing no one any good. The following is true, and is actually what has been said and done to me. Many people who are privy to this information can vouch for this. A very prominent woman in Mormon Feminist Circles, and my close friend, has witnessed some of this while the Bishop and Stake President were talking to me. She sat with me in their office.
***********************************************************************************************

I am noticing that although I suffered a crime of violence against me a couple weeks
ago, and it has retriggered all my past trauma of being raped, molested and abused for years, that my anxiety, depression and ill feelings caused by my faith crisis
(religiosity crisis, religious dogma struggle) far surpass everything else. I feel compelled to organize a Mormon faith that would be absent all the Salt Lake headquartered LDS Church Bull Shit, that any Liberal or reasonable person knows is inately wrong. I don't want to just leave, and go into oblivion, leaving a Mormon Church that is absent one more voice for love, empathy, compassion, inclusion, and non-judgement. Why should all the conservative GOP voting, MSDS, Mormons get to lay claim to Mormonism. They are not followers of Christ. Nothing they do is Christ-like. They are absent Faith (thinking it to be a noun, instead of the action verb it is), absent Hope (things are always so bad, always so sour, dour, scroogy, grinchy, grouchy...'My Shit Don't Stink" attitudes), and even absent Charity (The Pure Love of Christ.....if you love me, treat everyone as if they ARE me, said Jesus).

No, instead these so called, 'TBMs' spurn Charity, and readily, willfully, and proudly usurp the job of God, and place judgement on others.....and far too many of the GA approve, or acquiesce to this self divination, and anti-Christic behaviors, hegemonies, ideologies, religiosities, and dogmas. Additionally, they usurp our free agency, and the free agency of all people, by the heretical violation of our own doctrines and teachings, via the forcably co-opting of the entire population into membership of our church, by expecting them to comply with our churches doctrine, and mis-applications of our doctrines through through heinously bigoted policies.

I'm sorry for my rant. I am just a hot mess because I'm losing my religion, and I don't know what to do. I will never be atheist, and I abhor most other religiosities. I am a very spiritual person, and I need to feel a part of something. To be stripped of participating in Hometeaching and Visiting Teaching, something I have done for 39 years, and to be stripped of them coming to visit me, for the past year, is extremely painful. To be stripped of partaking of the sacrament and taking the name of Christ upon myself, or praying, speaking, or giving testimony, attending Sunday School, Relief Society or Priesthood, all for the past 7 months, is a hit to my heart. To have an SP tell me, "you pass the Temple Recommend interview, and I believe you. You are not sinning, and you are not being sanctioned or disfellowshipped, however, these things will remain in place until you repent, and renounce this last year, and recognize that you are a man, you will always be a man, and listen to me read you these verses about Korihir.........you are like Korihor. You are an Anti-Christ".....to my face! That was a religioistic murder......that really killed me.

My heart and soul is crying out in tremendous pain. What can I do?  Nothing has changed in these 7 months. I attend sacrament faithfully, and do not partake, because I have been asked not to. I leave after Sacrament, after reaching out to as many people as I can, and they wisk me out of the sancuary where Sunday School, Gospel Doctrine, is held. I hang in the foyer talking to people for a while, but nothing ever comes of it. Nobody reaches back for me. None of the many other Trans people that used to come, attend anymore. A markedly fewer amount of gay and lesbian people now attend as well. This was supposed to be the most liberal ward in the entire Church. No. Not even close. It isn't even the most liberal, pro TLGBQ in Oregon.

So I am left with this conundrum. I have been told, I am not sinning, and I am not in trouble, or being sanctioned. I hold the Priesthood, and have not been asked to stop utilizing it.That's right. I am a woman who actively holds the Priesthood. Am I just supposed to be an acquiescent little patsy, and let them continue to hurt me, while nothing ever changes. They say I am living the Standards, I have full standing, yet the things they have asked of me, put me squarely in a sound proof room of invisibility, with no expectation of anyone ever visiting me from the Church, or me ever visiting them. They know they are required to love me, and I see this is hurting them, but still nothing changes. I continue to shower and pour my heart full of kindness, love, empathy and compassion upon them. It appears this is a great standoff, that I'm losing interest in. I have finally had enough of it.

This was a Life Event I posted just an hour ago:

BECAME A UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST TODAY

Today at First Unitarian Church of Portland Oregon

I am transitioning in my beliefs by adding beliefs, values, principles and ways of thinking, loving, learning and loving. I consider myself a Unitarian Buddho Pagan Free Mormon Universalist. I have not resigned from the LDS Church neither have I been excommunicated, and have no plans to do so. They don't recognize my legal name or sex, and I will only recognize my name and sex. Officially I don't exist and never have. That's their loss. I have found a place where I am more than comfortable, I feel of the spirit, am edified, and I am openly and happily celebrated.

Today was my second time attending this downtown Portland congregation. I went with 7 Transitioning Mormon Women. It was the most awesome feeling of community and family I have ever felt. The spirit testified so strongly to me today that I could not contain all of it, and a lot of it leaked out of my eyes.

This is the right place for me right now, and I have a personal revelation and witness of this. I will still advocate for TLGBQ and Women's full standing of inclusion in all LDS Levels including Priest or Priestesshood.

The most important thing is that I am Happy, and I am very hopeful of making the world a better place. I know that I AM ENOUGH. 

*********************************************************************

So I am progressing.....growing, moving forward, kicking against the pricks. I refuse to be sent down the river without a paddle, heading to the waters of endless torment, and status quo oblivion. I'm actually going to let the Chaff of my life GO! If it's not progressing forward, it is going backwards. Doubt is the family of Faith. We should not spurn doubt while embracing cynicism, pessimism, and absolutism. Just the opposite, but that's not my experience in 51 years in the Church. They are always "Things are just so bad. The world is such an awful place", we need to clique and klan up, be exclusivist and supremacist. So sour dour, scroogy, stingy, grinchy, grouchy, and most of all arrogant, and neo-pharisite. NO! I can never do that. No God I will ever care to worship ever wants such an attitude, ideology or belief system. Spurn that cynicism and pessimism, embrace doubt. My faith is growing because of that, not diminishing. I am more devout than ever, more hopeful than ever. Things are getting better every day.

To be Continued.........


All My Love,

Leahnora, Leah, Transbopeep

THE COLD STAIRWAY: ONE YEAR REMOVED w/ poem, Come What May

Come What May

Ohhhhh Life! Isn't it strange?
A turn of the page
A beautiful smile
A warm embrace
Nothing can deny me my golden age

Ohhhhh Life, Isn't it strange?
Change changing places
sad disappointment
hurt and misunderstanding
people I love and all of their faces

Ohhhhh Life, Isn't it strange?
miss the ones left behind
wallowing doldrums
pity parties, self despair
wise refrain of knowing to be kind

Ohhhhh life, Isn't it strange?
Need to heed the divine epiphany
hopes and dreams
successful potentials
I hear the sweet symphony

Ohhhh life, It sure is strange?
But I like it, all through the day
I love it
I embrace all it has to offer
Come what may, I'm here to stay


     I just thought I'd start off with a short poem. So, as you might tell, I've been going through many changes as of late. More precisely I have been enduring massive change and upheaval for the past one year exactly. Everyone remembers me going up those cold basement stairs to face the impending music and doom, on December 31, 2012. That was my sisters birthday, she would have been 34. She committed suicide at age 14. I wanted to honor her memory, and be true to myself, end my guileful life, and become the authentic person I was meant to be. By any measure, this past year has been the most successful of my entire life. And that's primarily due to the last 7 months, of being genuine, authentic, and true to who I've always known myself to be.

I've seen some pushback on internet commentary, saying, "there is no commandment to be our authentic selves", I thought this is the weakest and most pathetic example of people thinking they have carte-blanche to just live a life of lying, and as a fake human being. It seems to me, so obvious. Didn't I hear that, not lying made it in the top 10? Isn't, "thou shalt not lie" a top 10 commandment? I don't recall ever seeing, "thou shalt not be TLGBQI", or even, "thou shalt condemn and discriminate all TLGBQI people". Those last two didn't even make the top 100. In fact, I see zero argument for it even being a commandment at all. By adhering to such beliefs and actions, they expose themselves to myriad weaknesses. I, on the other hand, know that I was an out and out liar. I lied about who I was. That is the biggest lie it is ever possible to make in this existence. it is not possible to lie bigger than guileful deception, of one's own identity.

Coming to the end of the most amazing year of my life, I just want to make it clear, that I am certain I have made the correct decisions, about my identity, and how to resolve them. I chose the only healthy option for me. I transitioned to full time, as my true self. I have never experienced such happiness as this before, in all my life. I'm finally free. The only choice involved in my life, was the choice to stop ACTING ON being a liar.
Nothing else is a choice, and nothing else is ACTING ON IT. Period.

That being said, I have to say that 2013 was a remarkable year. It was my most successful spiritual year, my most successful religious year, as well as obtaining the best job and doing the best work of my life. I went from 99 friends to 1400, my forum went from 0 to near 500, my life went viral, and now it's googleable. I made dozens of close and serious friends, and a handful of potentially lifetime friends, so close I consider family, and best friends. I spent several wonderful holidays with my friends, in joyful rejoicing and splendid company. I attended numerous parties, activities, meet-ups, and get togethers. I marched in 4 PRIDE Parades, and enjoyed the festivals. I visited dozens of facebook friends on my walkabout, which was the most amazing trip I have ever taken. They were all genuine people who were absolutely amazing. I got to speak at a University, and in a Conference. I visited my two favorite places on Earth, Bryce Canyon, and San Francisco. I returned to my beloved Pacific Northwest. It has hardly ever rained since I got here, or at anytime since I left Akron at the end of May.

I arrived in Portland August 2, 2013. I applied for my legal name and legal change of sex. those things were made official on September 13, 2013. I started hormones, officially on October 13, 2013. After less than 3 months, I already have quite remarkable results of breast growth, softer skin, all over, and less body hair. also, the hormones have enabled me to discontinue a blood pressure medication, because my body was starving for the correct hormonal balance. I have moved for the 5th time, since moving to Portland. It is a wonderful place to be, and I'm surrounded by dozens of the most kind and loving women who absolutely adore me. I'm on track to get all the help and assistance I need. For the first time in my life, I will have full access to care, thanks to President Barack Obama, and the hard work of everyone who campaigned for him and worked their tails off to ensure he'd have the chance to do this work, both in his election and re-election. I have the fondest memories of those campaigns, but more so, 2012, when I began coming out to everyone.

With my living arrangements, I am accomplishing many goals, that would otherwise be so much more difficult. Saving a higher percentage of my paychecks, getting access to care, getting assistance with move-in expenses, getting assistance with housing for at least two years, and so much more. The experiences i have being surrounded by all these women is invaluable to me. I'm learning all the intracacies and neauances of being female, I would in no other way ever learn about. That alone is well worth not having my own private space....heck, I had 18 years of that, and a girl cave I got to dress up any way I felt.....it's not what it's cracked up to be. I do plan to obtain my own place alone, or with a roommate by sometime this Spring. I know I want to work on the Oregon United for Marriage campaign until election day this coming November.

2014 will be yet another year of monumental and remarkable change. I welcome it, I embrace it fully. I know I am no longer a liar, and my salvation is no longer in jeopardy. Life is so strange, but it is miraculous, wonderful and beautiful. Things are getting better, things are getting better every day.

I am free.

Faithfully Yours,

Leah

KNEE DEEP IN THE HOOPLA

By now, many of you may know about my life going viral about a month ago. Wow! It sure was shocking to me. It took me by great surprise. I woke up. Got dressed, and headed out the door to prepare for a day on the campaign trail. I work for Oregon United for Marriage, and for the next year I will do everything I possibly can to ensure that all TLGB people have the right to love each other and to commit to each other, and to have the Public Government publicly declare and publicly recognize the relationship announced and wedded as a marriage.  Not 30 feet from my door, someone ran into me as I was crossing the street. I landed on the hood of a big white car, denting it in. OMGosh! I was nearly killed. This was a huge event. But it wouldn't last.

Just 20 minutes later, my best friend called me and asked me if I had heard about what was going on. It was Monday Morning, What could I have heard that would warrant such a call? My friend went on to explain to me that my post I had made the night before, about being so happy to be attending Church as myself, had somehow gone viral. What in the world? What was so special about me? About what I am doing. I've been attending Relief Society for 5 months, with great and fantastic support, and love, in fact, I was in the Relief Society Choir. Relief Society is a meeting for women only, in the mormon Church, during the hour the men attend Priesthood. So this Sunday I began to attend Priesthood as myself, with the close aid, advocacy, and assistance of my Branch President and Stake President, the 2 highest ranking local leaders responsible for my membership stewardship. The fact that my Stake President, who presides in leadership over 5 or 6 Wards, each of which consist of 400-600 members, had been attending the small downtown Portland Branch (not yet a Ward) each and every week since i started coming in the first of August....over 3 months straight. This SP (Stake President) had been aware of my situation since my best friend had made him aware the first of the year as I came out to my wife and daughters. We're talking an 11 month relationship. My SP contacted my then SP and Bishop in Akron, Ohio, to help and assist with certain matters. The First Presidency (Our President of the Church and his 2 counselors) has known about my situation for the same length of time. My SP stated that he had been in regular contact with them about me. This gave me great comfort, because as more time went by, that no proceedings of sanctioning or disfellowship, or even more dreadfully, excommunication, had been brought up, the more courage it gives me that they feel I am doing nothing wrong. You'd think that a lifelong devout Mormon Transsexual Woman who is attending Sacrament, Sunday School, and Relief Society, and full participation with talks, prayers, scripture reading, Family Home evening, Dinners, and activities, for 5 months, that nothing was amiss, and things would go on as is.

So getting this surprise call Monday Morning caught me flatfooted. Everyone was sprinting around me in some big media hoopla. I'm just a girl. A lonely, Mormon, woman, who is trying to make her way in a world that is just discovering her. I probably was not ready for Prime Time.....but oh crap!.....here it is! First it was CBS, then ABC, the news started contacting me, and the media frenzy had begun. there was a war between competing channels to be the first to air my story. The ABC station insisted on airing it that night, so there was no time to get to a studio for a face to face interview. It was by phone, and very awkward. Some photos were used without my permission. It was mostly done in good taste, but I think they made it seem like i chose to divorce and abandon my family in Ohio, which is not the case. i am not this kind of monster.

The next day, on Tuesday, the local Portland CBS affiliate, KATU Channel 2 invited me to the studio for an interview. My friend arranged for me to go shopping with some financial backing, and obtain an interview worthy, professional woman's attire. I was truly pampered. I went to the Macy's makeup counter for a makeover even. This outfit is what I'm wearing in last nights blog, attached to my poem, "I AM....For the Very First time". The news anchor that interviewed me for 90 minutes, on camera, has over 30 years experience, and told me I was a remarkable individual, with one of the most compelling stories he has ever seen. He said he would be greatly surprised if this doesn't go way bigger than this. The following is the link to what was aired as the lead story for the 6 O'Clock, and 11 O'Clock News.


http://www.katu.com/news/investigators/Transgender-Mormon-hopes-church-will-accept-her-230751331.html

You can pretty much just Google my name now and be led to myriad links to me being in the news and various publications. I can't even begin to keep up with it all. I started to read some of the comments, which much of it came from the Right Wing orthodox heartland (a religiosity that I never ever want to be part of, and a cliquish and clannish tribalistic brood that our former President of the Church, Gordon B. Hinlkley warned us against.), which just tore into me, and railed into me with such vile vitriol, and enmity, and diatribes that I couldn't even recognize the Faith experience they were coming from. We simply have no common frame of reference, thus we have nothing that we can talk about. I can help them to understand, but they have to be willing to hear me. I can explain to them about myself, and that I am a lifelong devout Mormon, who is worthy in every sense, including every single Temple Recommend Question., but again, they have to be willing to hear. If anyone is willing to hear, and want me to speak about something....please feel free to leave comments here, suggestions, anything....ask away. I would be very happy to enlighten you about what it's like to have lived in abject sinfulness for 46 years, and then return to arms of Jesus Christ, my true advocate and intercessor.

I am on my way to truth and light. I have a Talent, My Trans* Identity, and I'm not ashamed of it. No devil is inhabiting me making me do this. I'm letting my light so shine before the world, and spreading love, empathy, compassion, inclusion, service to others, happiness, joy, tender mercies, friendship, fellowship, brotherly and sisterly love, and vast amounts of Zion building benefiscience. I am filled with edification and lamp-oil filling opportunities all week long. Every week! I love people. No devil would allow this great love and expansion to exist on his behalf.

Today I had a real life learning experience. I had the great honor and pleasure to be in the company of what was the most beautiful woman with the sweetest countenance. She personified Christ. She lives her faith. She is a woman without guile. All the most wonderful accolades I could lay upon her with absolute truth. She has long golden curly locks of pristine hair, shimmering with refracted Portland Winter declianted sunshine. So gorgeous I doubt Miss America can hold a candle. Her eyes, oh my gosh, those beautiful green eyes staring deep into the tender mercies of her delicate and vulnerable heart and soul. Her nose, such a pefect button, showing a beauty mark of spectacular attraction. Her voice, an angels voice, with the intonations of celestial foundings. Each syllable sending my ears and heart into flushing billows of exuberance, joy and sweet happiness. Her vestments mocking me.....your not the girliest girl in the world....Ha-ha-ha-ha......She's so fine in her flowing long skirt, and pretty peacoat. Her ultra feminine, wintry princess look calls to me......you can't touch this! This is how Fem is done. Everything about her I loved. She is so very perfect.

We went for lunch together, and then she gave away a good amount to someone she thought could truly benefit. She is a God revering woman, who serves her fellow humanity. She loves others unconditionally. She acts every minute on her words and ideology. This woman is operating on a whole nutha level. She says, she's 5'1", but I think she's only 5 foot even. She says she's 95 pounds, but I think 85. She says her backpack is 40 pounds, I say 65. I loved her at first sight. Honestly. Every second I spent with her affirmed this. I had the most amazing day with her. Her story just grabs me heart. How could THIS woman possibly be homeless. You can forget everything you think you know about homeless people. It is all dead wrong....flat out. My friend has a story that just hurts my heart at it's inner emotional core. I cried all day in my heart for her. I hugged her, and smiled broadly for her. I wanted her to know I am her friend, and I am there for her. She says she hates her life, while I'm telling her I love mine for the first time in my life. i feel guilty. Guilty for thinking I have ever had even one iota of struggles or hardships. I know absolutely nothing. I ache for this woman that I just met a few hours ago. Where is she tonight? Is she safe? Are the marks on her beautiful face from abuse. I'm so worried for her. This place is full of these stories. Just open my eyes and look. I feel so blessed by this experience, living among 80 women. They are all wonderful people. They just need empowerment and enfranchisement. They just need the chance to thrive, and live their authentic lives.

I am so blessed for these two events that have left me knee deep in the hoopla. I am learning so much from being immersed in the spotlight, and being a homeless. I have no regrets at all about anything here. I have learned way too much, and met too many wonderful people to wish all that absent from my life. I have started to save from my job that is such a happy and exciting place to work, I still can't believe they pay me to do this stuff. I will be able to soon move into my own place. I will be so much stronger and wiser. I will be so much more of a complete human being. A completely Authentic Human Being. I ask myself every day, "Who in the world could possibly have it better than me?".....(my response is.)..."Nobody". Thinks march on time marches on.....into The Undiscovered Country. Things are getting better. Things are getting better every day......and I'm sitting here.....knee deep in the hoopla.

Your remarks, comments and questions are all greatly appreciated. I welcome them, and invite you to follow this blog, and participate. Friend me on facebook at:

:https://www.facebook.com/Leah.Loreli   


I welcome you to join my facebook forum and group Transgender Mormons and Allies, for all people to discuss mormon culture, the transgender and transsexual and greater TLGBQ communities, and all friends and allies.....you don't have to be Mormon or trans*. The link for it is:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/

Faithfully Yours,

Leah Isaak

I AM....FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME: a Poem, July 2015 update

This is from a year and a half ago. I got to thinking about it today when I made a new friend/my new sister. She told me to take hold of the power of "I Am". Those 2 words hold the power of attraction. I believe it. I have always believed it. So I want to republish this poem I wrote, commemorating my belief that I truly am, I AM.



 I was walking around downtown today, which I shouldn't have been doing since I am really under the whether with a bad sore throat, and I had a most unusual thing happen to me. This is something that is commonplace for cis-women. I'm experiencing many things cis women have endured all their lives. I was always aware of them, but they were never targeted toward me, because of my guileful presentation. I was called "Babe" for the first time. My mind was blown. What the?

I began to think about all the sexist language in our culture. Sure some of it is innocent enough, but everyone can discern the intonations of the intended meaning of every word, when they are spoken. That is called being literate. This was a genuine inflective. He really intended to be nice to me. Part of me really enjoyed it, while the other half of me cringed. And some of me just thought, "do you see what I see?"

So I came home and it stirred in my mind a little bit, and some thoughts for a poem started popping into my head. It's only the 2nd or 3rd poem I've ever written, so don't expect anything great.




My mind engaged in spightly contemplations
Sundry impressions forming ideations
Machinations
Preperations
Knock down drag out
Frustrations

Heartsick for cherubic adaptations
Pretending, longing, only gets me futile fruitions
Lordbations
Destinations
Knock down drag out
Accumulations

Discovered futures without manifestations
Steering blindly towards dour depressions
Variations
Preperations
Knock down drag out
Transformations

Be veritable, be spurious, those are the elections
Nothing of this is from ones volitions
Liberations
Authentications
Knock down drag out
Congruation

And finally I realize, just who the hell I am
Here I am, I am what I am
The delighted one, exuberant for the UN-discovered country
I am, I am
Heavenly herald breaking down the barricades of guile, lies, and falsehoods
I am, I am
Loving, empathic, and compassionate, tools of an engineer
I am, I am

Singing exultations, gloria, gloria,
Singing exultations, glory, glory
Gloria
Recognitions I discern are for me
Here I am, I am who I am
I am myself...........................for the very first time!

(following is expanded edition)

I am enough
I am me
I am true
I am honest
I am me

I am enough
I AM ME
I am absent guile
I am not lying
I am me

I am enough
I am me
I am bearing true witness
I am true to God
I am me

I am enough
I am me
I am loving
I am sweet
I am kind
I am a flower
I am a bear
I am a bunny
I am a dragon
I am a mother of dragons
I am a delicate damsel
I am a warrior princess
I am an owl
I am a beaver
I am doing what is right
I am making a difference
I am happy
I am joyful
I am better than ever
I am enough

I AM ENOUGH
I AM ME

My Name is Leahnora (Leah) Laurelei Isaak

I can't believe it's been nearly 8 months since I last posted a blog. So much has happened to me. I have 50 or 100 separate blog posts in me to catch you all up on my blasting off of my new life. I think I can give you an overview on what has transpired during the past 8 months, so I won't be going into any comprehensive detail right now about what has gone on. Besides, some of it I have to save for my book, right?

So, my divorce became final at the end of May this year, ending a 24 1/2 year Temple Marriage. We separate from each other as friends, as far as I know. I can tell you, I still love her, and that will never change. I love my three daughters, and that will never change. They remain very cold to me, and we are not currently in contact, although I want to initiate some contact this Christmas. I hope they are happy, safe, and healthy and doing well. Let me be clear about this. I did not divorce my wife, she divorced me. I did not abandon my family, they gave up on me 18 years ago when I was banished to the basement to be lonely and spider bitten, for way too long.

Having attended the last of the Lawyer/Court proceedings that I needed to be in attendance for, I packed up and left Akron, Ohio, by Greyhound bus. The bus actually took me to Cleveland first, and then a four hour layover. Then 100 miles to the southwest, the bus broke down, about 20 miles West of Akron, and nearly 8 hours later, and I still wasn't even in Columbus yet. I was praying that this was not a harbinger of things to come, and that this would be the worst it ever got on my entire 'walkabout' journey. I was starting to freak out a little bit. I was still presenting as "Bob", because I chickened out on Transitioning to full time while in Akron, because it would entail having my wife and daughters see me, and i don't think they are ready for that yet.

In Columbus, a young woman sat next to me, and we chatted all the way to Chicago. We talked openly about being transgender and transsexual. She was unusually enlightened about these things. She was so easy to talk to, and a natural candidate for being a good friend. And so she did. Now this was a more accurate harbinger of things to come.....the wonderful myriad of beautiful things to come, that has continues unabated to this day.

The next day I arrived at my good friend, Lupe's place, in Kansas City. I was still presenting as Bob, and my last photos ever taken of me presenting as male were from K.C. I had a good visit, and it was quickly on to Salt Lake City. I arrived on the Morning of May 28, 2013, at the SLC Greyhound station. I was expecting to be greeted by my friend and dear little sister, Berta. I think she got lost, as she is so adorably prone to do. I was debating as to weather or not to just duck into the Women's Room, and transition to full time, right then and there. Berta finally came and we just hugged, and I was called "Leah" for the first time in my life. Someone that only knows me as Leah, and accepts and loves me no matter how I look or present. We went on to her friends place, where she has a downtown loft.

It was there, in that downtown, SLC loft, that I transitioned to full time as my true, and natural self. The person God had always intended me to be. I was no longer in violation of the 10 Commandments (which demand that all people live their best authentic lives), BY NOT BEING A LIAR! God saw fit to make authenticity and being genuine, a top 10...."THOU SHALT NOT LIE", how can anyone misunderstand that. Not being a fake human being, not living a guileful life, God saw fit to make top ten Commandment Demands of us. Nowhere in scripture or any doctrine does it ever say, "thou shalt not be LGBT, thou shalt not be transgender, lesbian, gay bisexual or any kind of Queer Person. Nowhere does it say, "Thou shalt exclude LGBTQ People from your lives, families, churches, and from full participation in the plan of happiness. Arguably, only 3 very vague anti LGBT verses are harped on as if they were 10,000 verses, and the #1 commandment. Sorry folks, your Transphobia, and Homophobia not only DID NOT make the top 10, it's not even in the top 100, or even 1000. In fact, the Commandment to FORBID NONE TO COME UNTO ME, and participate in the plan of Happiness, is very clear and unmistakable.

So, now I was smack dab in the middle of the PRIDE Week celebration, Parade and Festival. We picked up an amazingly beautiful Transgender Mormons and Allies banner, that I marched with, in the Trans March, with several local Transgender People. It was amazing. The next day I marched not once, but twice in the main Pride Parade. The first time, we were assigned #3 or 4, marching right at the front of the Parade, with several Trans Groups, one of them my very own Transgender Mormons and Allies. I made my own sign that read, "I am a Transsexual Mormon, and all I want to do is live and participate in the Plan of Happiness". I was crying immense tears of utter joy and exhuberence, for the large throngs of people lining the streets, heavy on both sides. People clapping, people cheering, people laughing joyfully, people crying with overwhelming joy, people signing love and happiness, people mouthing the words, while holding their hands together, "We Love You", and "Thank You". People yelling out, "we Love you", and "Thank You", and on and on.. The amount of love, empathy and compassion I received here, was the most i have ever gotten anywhere. Indeed, Salt Lake City is THE GAYEST CITY IN AMERICA, meaning it just may be the friendliest of all to the people of the TLGBQ Community. And yes, that's how I roll now.....putting the T, for Transgender First. I was able to finish the parade route before the latter parts of the parade even started. The LGBT Mormons Collective, with several groups under a collective umbrella had only barely started, and I nestled myself right in there again, marching up front, with the Transgender Mormons and Allies banner, right next to Berta. What a treat to get to march twice.The cheering was the same as when I went by as the lead of the Trans portion, I got separated, while my friend, Crystal, held the other side of my banner. so the crowd seemed to love us all equally.

Right after the PRIDE Celebration, Berta and I embarked on the most amazing backcountry backpacking adventure ever. I will go into further detail in a later post. I can tease you with, Puma, Bear, Sasquatch, Cartoon bumped shin, swimming in the Virgin, chasing through other worldly Spacescape pinnacles and hoodoos, and other close encounters. What amazing fun. My favorite places in the world, can you guess where these places are?

Then my friend, Lori, from Rigby, Idaho, came down to SLC, and she took me to the Cheescake Factory, where we celebrated my 50th Birthday. Then we met up with some friends of hers and we all went to the new Star Trek movie, where i cried because Kirk became the hero, this time, sacrificing his life, for the good of the many. That was so well done, I can't even tell you. And a Trans Woman is a Bridge Officer, with at least 13 speaking parts!!  Then we drove up to Rigby, where i stayed for a week, and had a speaking engagement at Ricks College, my alma matter, now going by BYU-Idaho, where my youngest daughter is a sophomore. Those young people just touched my heart, and changed my life. They gave me such inspiration and confidence. I'll have to find the recording of my 90 minute Talk, and share it with you. We also made trips to Mesa Falls, and Yellowstone National Park. Both so very beautiful.

I then got a ride from my friend and brother, Dave, in Idaho Falls, to Boise Pride. It was bright and sunny, and it was a great success. There was some tension I'll never understand, but it was a good day, and met a lot of beautiful, and wonderful people. This was one of 15 legs of my walkabout journey of self discovery. I was on vacation, for the first time in 20 years. I was enjoying myself, and I may have been aloof or oblivious to certain messages, hints, or directions. I want to let it be known that I am sorry. I apologize. My bad. Certain people I neglected to keep in contact with, regularly. I'm sorry and i apologize. In my defense, My phone was malfunctioning, and had no service, and I was without my laptop, (for about 5 months actually).

I then went back to Idaho Falls, and back to Salt Lake City, for another week. I visited more friends, got my ears pierced, was a model for eyelash extensions, and helped rebuild a house, and meeting some amazing trans women.

Next was a leg to Reno, to visit Teresa.  The DOMA and California Marriage Equality rulings from the Supreme court happened while I was here, and there was an impromptu PRIDE March through downtown, I marched with my banner, as well as Fancy Transgender Mormons and Allies Flag, just as I did in Boise. We climbed the 11,637 foot Mt. Rose, which was one of the most amazing hikes ever.

I then went straight to San Francisco, but Reno delayed my bus by 6 hours, so I totally missed the Trans March, which is the largest gathering of Trans* identified people in the world....at over 50,000. No matter, I went and marched with the Lesbians. The next day I went to march in San Francisco Pride with the Mormons for Equality entry, and I got to be my own contingent, Transgender Mormons and Allies. This is a whole nutha level. 2 1/2 Million people! I wore my Pink Prom Dress with Pink Go-Go Boots. Everyone loved me. I was interviewed right in the parade by one of the local TV stations. I was asked about how I felt as a member of the Mormon Church and being transgender. I said, I loved being me. I am commanded to be my best true self, and not to be a liar. I hope to be an activist, organizer, and advocate for the trans community, and the greater TLGBQ community and those in the LDS Church. So I went on to spend the entire month of July, visiting my wonderful friend, and sister, Christina, and later, Carly, who was the very first person I met at my arrival in San Francisco. So much to write about here....worth several posts alone.

I took a side trip to Los Angeles, and Long Beach, to see my friend Perri. I had a good time visiting and enjoyed a wonderful hike up a canyon. I then went back to San Francisco, and then on to points North.

I arrived in Portland on August 2, 2013. This is my new home. Some were disappointed I didn't keep in touch and made it known in forceful and bold ways. This was a blip on the radar. NO WORRIES! It's all good. I quickly started working hard at Oregon For Marriage Equality, and amazing things have continually happened ever since.

I must tell you, one of the most remarkable things of my entire life. It has been 6 months now, since i transitioned to living full time as the woman I have known myself to be since age 4.......that's a painful 46 years of directly disobeying the 10 Commandments, and being a guilful liar, and fake human being. I have so much to recompense for. I know It is my calling and my Talent to serve all of humanity, to spread love, empathy, compassion and inclusion.....I picked my name because that is what it means. I'm letting my light so shine before the world.....i shall never bury it, hide it, or run in shame from it. I am honored and proud of who I am. For the first time in my life, I love myself. For the fist time in my life i am happy. For the first time in my life I am absent of all willful hiding, lying and guile. For the first time in my life, my salvation is no longer in jeopardy.  For the first time in my life, I am making true friends, that know me and love me, and they are my sisters and brothers....and i love them with a;ll my heart. You have all saved my life.

I need to give a most special thanks to dear, Marni, my greatest and best friend in the whole world. She has saved my life at least twice, and she does countless other things that have made my life, the wonderful, successful and happy life, it is today. She took me in, when certain plans were altered. She got me to go to the courthouse to file for my name change, where they told me that just a day or two before, they started letting people file for a change of sex. YES.....THEY ASKED ME IF I WOULD LIKE TO ALSO FILE FOR A CHANGE OF SEX, AT THE SAME TIME AS NAME CHANGE. I said yes, of course I would. That was August, 6, and the court date was Friday, September 13, 2013. Are you kidding me. This was meant to be. I am a Triskadeckophile....I love the number 13, and it's repeating theme in my life. I deliberately chose, December 31, 2012, to come out to my wife and daughters, not only because it was my 14 sisters birthday, who committed suicide, and would have been 35, and i wanted to honor her, but because, then I would be finally a truthful, honest, genuine, authentic person for the entire year 2013.....which is also my 50th year on Mothers Day, May 13. So holy cow! My RE-BIRTHDAY is September 13, 2013. The judge signed the legal documents, with no other verification....no one had to vouch for my identity but myself. this is how it should be. Thank God for Oregon, and for Portland.

I used the legal documents, to begin changing over everything else, including my new Washington State Birth Certificate. I began seeing a medical doctor and having blood labs done to get baselines to begin taking hormones. How apro pose that I started taking my first dose of female hormones on October 13, 2013. My life is just so amazing now.  A surprising chain of events happened recently where my life went viral, only because i posted a happy post on facebook. I had ABC, NBC, and CBS News calling me directly. I was later interviewed by several stations, and went to a local Portland studio for an interview. Parts of the 90 minute interview have aired all over America, and you can now google my name, and find links to Transsexual mormon attends LDC Church, asking for her records to be changed. That's headline news.....who knew?

I need to wrap this post up, but I want to tell you, I'm glad to be back blogging. Please follow me. Share this blog with others. Friend me on facebook, and join my forum, Transgender Mormons and Allies. Thank you for bearing with me during my lengthy absence. You wont regret it. I love you all so very much.

My name is Leahnora (Leah) Laurelei Isaak......and I-AM-A-GO-AT-THROTTLE-UP!!!

IT IS FINISHED: No One Speaks My Language

I posted this as a status, but I feel I should have it on record here. I need to record more of my true feelings, and this bears some of them out. The picture is from last Sunday, after attending Church the first time as myself, part 1, at the UUC of Akron. Part 2 will be my first time at an LDS Ward. Part 3 will be my fist time at my new, forthcoming home Ward in Portland. Anyhoo, the wind is blowing up my skirt, and I feel so nice.

So, today is the 13th of April. In exactly one month I will be 50! But it will really be the First birthday I can celebrate as myself. I feel like I'm only 15, or 17, sometimes 13 or 19, but never 50, 40 or even 30. I know I'm really broken, and that I haven't lived as any human has lived for far too long.

I was upstairs today, to fix myself something to eat. I could hear my family watching Star Trek: The Next Generation in the living room. I popped in there, as I usually do, because i never ignore my family. I said, "Hello", and they were all stone faced on the couch. My soon to be "ex" wife, and 2 of my 3 daughters. They said nothing to me. They always pause the TV anytime I come around, like I am interrupting their lives, like a pest, a parasite, a huge bother. They said nothing back this time. Not even a peep! IT IS FINISHED!! I have no Family, and maybe never did. I tell you, no one should ever be made to feel as I did today.

I have been through the windshield of a car, and I would rather do that again, than experience such a repudiation from people I love and care about. It just really really hurts. My heart is dying because it has too much unused, and unshared love. I feel it rotting, and decaying my heart and soul. I'm forgetting how to love and how to be human. My facade is hiding such pain and sorrow, I can barely contain it.

Saturday evenings should be with family and friends. I haven't shared couples friendships for 20 years. I so miss the fun and games we had for the first 5 years of our marriage. Everyone knew to be our friends for the most enjoyable evenings, whether it was family and neighborhood street hockey tournaments (I have 40 sticks, and jerseys), hiking in the Cascades, pic-nicking on the Pacific Beaches, craming for a drive in movie, playing Monopoly or Risk or Take Off all night long, dinner parties....these are all things humans do. I have not had the life of a human for far too long.

Today I learned my Love Language is Touch and Quality Time, both the highest. This proves I have been unable to even speak my language to anybody on this Earth. I am a foreigner who cannot be understood by anyone. I am a freak, i am a creep, and i am alone. I've let 2 decades pass without Touch or Quality Time, or even Affirmation, my secondary language. Love, Empathy, Compassion, and understanding are my core values. Some of you have messaged me recently remarking how amazingly full of those things I am. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the kindness you show me. Without those kind affirmations in my life, I would truly be sinking into depression and despair. Just today, your words have saved my life. For if I didn't know it before, I know it now....It Is Finished. I have no family.

My Dear Best Friend and my Sister sent me a card yesterday. It says on the front..."Friends are family You Choose For Yourself". I am choosing very wisely, for my family that I now discern, I would not trade for anything in the world. You mean so much to me, I need to cry, for It makes me so happy to have you in my life. I hurt so bad, but feel so good. CONUNDRUM.

I am glad to have received those kind messages, and friendly chats. It put me in the mood I needed to be in to start my Fast, for my friend. I started a 50 Day Fast for her to get spinal surgery, and for her to recover from it. This will be Day 37, my 7th official day, and 10th overall. I have about 20 people helping me, and a growing group. It has spawned a real movement, FASTING FOR FRIENDS AND DIVINE PURPOSES, a facebook group and page and event. My Group TRANSGENDER MORMONS AND ALLIES has been growing and expanding too. I am so proud of what we are doing and of what we are capable of doing. I invite all of you to join me in both these forums.

I hope you are having a wonderful evening, and a fabulous weekend.

All My Love and Tenderness,

Leah

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https://www.facebook.com/groups/143551689156243/   FASTING FOR FRIENDS AND DIVINE PURPOSES , facebook group.

https://www.facebook.com/FastingForFriendsDivinePurposes  facebook Page

https://www.facebook.com/events/545965422092906/  Continuous 50 Day Fast For Julia Taylor, EVENT

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https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/  TRANSGENDER MORMONS AND ALLIES, facebook Group.

Please consider this your invitation to join all of my groups. You don't have to be a Mormon, just a friend. In my Trans Group, I hope you would at a minimum, be an Ally to the Transgender/Transsexual community.

Between now and my Birthday, May 13, I will have begun my Walkabout: My Epic Journey of Self Discovery. I will have transitioned to Full Time as myself, and I will have begun meeting my friends, virtually all of you for the First time. Although we have not met, I know we are Family. I am very excited about my new life and all the possibilities.

I want to have most of my route planned out before I leave, so i can give everyone dates to plan for my arrival. If you want to see me, let me know please, because i definitely want to see you, and will make every effort to do so. Me tentative plan is to leave in Early May and head straight from Akron, to Kansas City. From there, possibly to Lawton, Oklahoma, or Colorado. From there to Utah in late May, and Pride. Leaving Utah in early June to SE Idaho, June 7-13, Boise, June 14-23, and Boise pride June 15, Northern California in late June and San Francisco Pride, and to Portland to settle by mid July. Everything is subject to change as my job situation in Oregon requires. If any of these places or my routes are going to take me anywhere near you, please let me know, as I will need rides to each place I am traveling, I may not be able to afford bus, unless i get an unlimited pass.

I have a site at GoFundMe, which is my fundraiser to help me go to these Conferences to educate myself about trans issues and LGBT issues so I Can work full time on LGBT Civil Rights, which I know is my calling. I need help going to these conferences and Pride Activities and to help me relocate to Oregon, and start my new life, for the First time as my Best True Self. Please consider helping me:

 http://www.gofundme.com/2jncmg   This is the link to my fundraiser for helping me out  with my Walkabout, Trans-Conferences, Pride, and relocation.

Thank you for your consideration, and even if you can't help me out today, just being my friend means a lot to me. I am so very grateful to have all of you in my life.

POETRY SANS ONIONS: MY TRANNSEXUAL MORMON EXPERIENCE, Part 2 of 4, with Commentary and Update.

Life is moving incredibly fast these past few weeks. My dear friend is posting some of my latest "Life Events" from Facebook in her wonderful blog, Poetry San Onions, which I hope you will join and follow. I posted the link below, and I hope you will check out part 2 of my Easter Holiday Events.

Last week was my Church's Semi Annual World Conference, so I started a new tradition of attending other Churches on those days. I took up the offer of a friend I made while working on the campaign for President Barack Obama, on the Akron Strike Team. She attends the Akron Unitarian Universalist Church. She was delighted to follow through and take me. I have to say it was one of the single most memorable Church experiences I have ever had, not least of importance was that it was the first time attending Church as myself. I will blog about that day later. I also posted a "Life Event" for that experience and copied it as a status.

I have been hard at work trying to organize my basement, which I will be abandoning in about 3 short weeks forever. My days of only being myself when I'm in a hole, six feet under, are numbered, and the Final Countdown has begun. When I emerge, walk out that door, and board that bus, it will be as me, forever and always. No one will know me as "Bob". I will be free to be me. I will be the same person, sans the guileful fake human being. All the same experiences, all the same relationships....still a Father, still a ex-Husband, still a Soldier, still a former Brother, now a Sister, still a Priesthood holder, still a planter and steward of a 40 acre Forest (mailed back my Eagle Award, but proud of what I accomplished), still a Hockey Player and sports fan, still a lifelong Democrat and Political Campaigner, Organizer and Activist, still a lifelong member of NOW, and still a Board member on community boards.

I look forward to being everything I know I can be. I feel my life has yet to even really fully begin, having been permanently inhibited from fully blossoming...like killer frosts every Spring denying the beautiful flower from ever reaching her full potential. NOT THIS YEAR. This is really happening. There was no killer inhibiting frost this year. I am not snow bound. I am not stuck in ice. But even if I were....I would man-haul my transition sledge for as many miles as it took to do what I am doing. I have left my "Elephant Island", I have made it to my "South Georgia Island" crossed the mountain range and to the Whaling Station. I am on my way back to all those I left behind, so that I could become who I truly am. My Crew, My Cadre, My Family, I will be returning to you, I will be meeting you all in a matter of weeks. It will be a true beginning, it will be amazing, it will be Glorious....to meet each and every one of you. I love all of you so much, and I will not lose one of you.....FOR IT IS YOU, WHO HAVE RESCUED ME.

Click this link and read more about my latest experience:

http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/PoetrySansOnions/~3/3S_ROkNtVxM/my-transsexual-mormon-experience-easter.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email