Poetry Sans Onions : My Transsexual Mormon Experience: Easter Week - Part 1 of 4

Happy Easter! I hope your Holiday is wonderful, and has been all you wish it to be in spirituality, family, and companionship.

I am including the link to my best friends blog, where she so kindly has chosen to feature me in the next few days as a guest author. I hope you like it, and show her some love and support with comments and joining and friending her blog. She is a most remarkable individual, and I hope you get to know her like I have. She is my family and my Sister.

Today I know is Easter, but it is also the Transgender Day of Visibility, so I honor and celebrate this day in harmony, with my new identity. Please click the link below:  

Poetry Sans Onions : My Transsexual Mormon Experience: Easter Week - Part 1 of 4

I hope you have a Happy Day, and remember to smile and be your best true self. With all my love and tenderness.

Leah

OF RAPE CULTURE AND CONDITIONAL BIGOTRY: KILLING US SOFTLY

TRIGGER WARNING!!  THIS POST CONTAINS MY PERSONAL OPINIONS ABOUT RAPE AND BIGOTRY. Nothing is explicit. I have strong opinions and I do not wish to send anyone into a rish of anxiety or distress. I have not posted this to offend or disturb anyone, least of all, victims of rape, abuse, and bigotry. I have been raped. I don't go into details, but strong triggers may go off. I apologize profusely for not having this warning up right from the start. I want to make it clear that I in no way intend to diminish, belittle or discount anyone's experiences or life history. I do not in any way believe that death is better or would have been better than rape. We are all valid and worthy human beings of living a long productive and healthy life. My point is only to say, it that we are forever changes, and set on a different path than otherwise would be the case. I am so sorry to my friends, and one in particular, I am crushed to have offended. I am so so Sorry.

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There are a couple of things in the news right now, particularly in my current State of residence, Ohio, that are really rubbing me wrong. The first is the Stuebenville gang rape of a teenage girl. I've been hearing all day long about today's testimony, centering on the girl having been flirting. What does flirting have anything to do with a crime of violence. When will our society get it through it's thick skull, that rape is a crime of barbarism and violence, and not of sex or sexuality. The perpetrators get to go ahead and "kill" their victim. And yes, I boldly use the word "kill" because that is exactly what they are doing. They are killing the innocence of their target. They are killing the hopes, wishes and dreams, killing a lifetime of thoughts and feelings, killing their heart and soul, and inflicting into their targets minds a lifetime of worry, fear, rage, hate, inhibition, impediment, regret and myriad sentiments and feelings that diminish the life of every human being targeted for rape. Simply put, to rape someone is to kill them. That person can never ever be the same person. They are dead and gone, and no longer alive as they once were

I speak from experience. In so many ways I was robbed, and killed, away, from the person and life I might have lived. Having been born with labia, that was later mutilated, and fused together, subjected to over seven years of poisonous testosterone to force a male puberty onto me, are just the tip of the ice burg. I too was raped. I was raped and abused over a more than two year period, by a neighbor that confronted me and my transgender identity. He comforted me, befriended me, showered me with girl clothes and pretty things, then used it all against me.

It all took a most horrible twist when he took me to see a matinee of Fantasia, while I was dressed en-femme. We strangely sat way over to the side of a very large, ornate theater. I don't remember if there was anyone else there, because my world was forever changed, and I can never watch Fantasia to this day. It was unspeakable horror, that I have only recently come to grips with. This man continued to have his way with me for two more years, until I had the ability to beat him off of me once and for all.

That wasn't the end of being "killed" though. I was violently raped by a man who by knife point, backed me back into the women's restroom at a park I was crossing at 4 am while doing my morning papers, dressed en-femme. I was 14, and I had just ended the other 2 year ordeal. I was 2 years into taking testosterone, but still had much of the natural female characteristics. I'm only now coming to grips with all of this, 35 years later. This happened because I am Transgender, and because I am female. These things never would have happened had those two things not been true. But I was so afraid of telling anyone because I would be discovered as a deviate, a freak. Most likely they'd lock *me* up and I'd be raped by numerous men there. Or beat up, or they'd tell me I was wrong to think of myself as a girl.

You see, I understand being raped. I lived it. No matter how generous and kindly it is, and how many gifts are given, and facilitating of ones true identity the perpetrator is, it is always a crime of violence. Each time it kills you, and continues to follow you and kill you all your life. To hear today, that the young girl here in Ohio, was "asking for it", that she flirted with them, and thus deserved what she had coming, is a sign that we are a very very sick society, that we would even entertain such ludicrous notions. Just because your "wild oats" are happening to you, does not give you license to kill. You never ever have licence to perpetrate, either sober or drunk or stoned. These jokers are admitting what they did, but they say, "she was flirting with us, so she wanted us to gang rape her and manipulate her lifeless body". On what planet are they from? No hominid can ever get away with such things.

We need to see these fowl representations of the human race go to prison for 40 years without the possibility of parole. There needs to be a message loud and clear, that this can never be tolerated. Men do these things, *kids* do these things because they know full well, that even if they are convicted, which is usually 90% unlikely because it is never even reported, that they may face 5 years, 1 or 2 with good behavior. The Commandment in scriptures is, "Thou Shalt not Kill". It is *not* "Thou Shalt not Murder". It is Killing people that is so much more meaningful. There are myriad ways to kill people that have nothing to do with turning a warm body, cold. It is foolish to think of a rape and our (America's) Rape Culture, as anything but a "Killing Culture of Violence against Women".

The other thing I wanted to get off my chest today was the change of heart of Senator Rob Portman, a Republican from Ohio, and longtime anti LGBT Bigot. I'm hearing so much praise heaped on him, but I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling it. Being that I'm living the results of conditional love being inflicted upon me, I'm keenly aware of the notion of "Conditional Bigotry". Sen. Portman doesn't get to be a conditional bigot and not be called out on it. He has ruined the lives of thousands of LGBT people. His son coming out as Gay, doesn't get to wash away all the heartache and bullicide that has ocrured in a holocaustic genocide against LGBT people engenderd, fostered, coddled, aided and abetted, enfranchised, and empowered by codification efforts to put evango-nazi and Christo-fascist religioistic doctrine into American law.

First of all such efforts by the Radiacal Religios Right go against many Church's own doctrine, as it does mine. I am ashamed and embarrassed by the LDS Church's past efforts to dis-edify LGBT people. A most Un-Godly and decidedly anti-Christ act. No Jesus or God I know, or would ever care to know would sponsor or ever acquiesce to such efforts. We don't get to force everyone into "our" Church by virtue of forcing them to abide our Church Doctrine against their free will and agency. It is direct violation of the 11th article of faith and D&C 134. It also a direct violation of the Constitution, "equality under law", and "freedom of and from religion". What about the ever increasing number of religions that are LGBT welcoming and inclusive. We are in violation of their religious freedom.

So, I posit the theory of "Conditional Bigotry"...be it Religioistic, Ignorant, or malevolent...is all the same, and should always be called out and utterly opposed with all vigor as to wrestle the Earth From Fools and Make Heaven a Place on Earth for all mankind. Lets take Religious bigotry. If your religion espouses bigotry, that's fine, just keep it in your own Church. You have no right to perpetrate it, and no promise to flout it in the public square. Ignorant Bigotry, the kind some Homophobes, Transphobes and other LGBT people seem to wallow in and claim "I'm not a bigot, *but*"/ "Love the sinner, *but* hate the sin/ "just because I'm for traditional family values *doesn't make me a bigot"--DIATRIBES.  I want to make something very clear to these folks, the *effects* of the causes you are making *are* killing people...and killing them cold and six feet under....as in a holocaust, a genocide.

The targets of the 3 Bigotries (Religioistic/Ignorance/Malevolence) are not given the benefit of distinguishing between the styles. They, all LGBT people, only know we are hated, despised, denigrated, dis-edified, kept separate, inferior, alienated, otherized, dis-enfenchised, dis-empowered, and prevented from loving committed relationships. Being prevented from partaking in Love, Empathy and Compassion is incomprehensible. It doesn't matter what your lifestyle of bigotry that one engages in, it's effects are all the same. People to one degree, or another, are a diminished as a direct result of your actions or acquiescence's.  All three of these are lifestyle choices, unlike what being LGBT is. Claiming your religion asked you to be a bigot, or claiming ignorance of the end results of the effects your causes were and are making, does not and will never absolve anyone of the sins of being a bigot.

We all need to work on it. I am not perfect. I have to work on *Un-learning Bigotry* every single day of my life. Our society, our culture, does so much to foster tribalism, supremacism, and bigotry. It is the worst part of an otherwise wonderful world we live in. I actually thing things are pretty good, and getting better every day.

Senator Portman doesn't get to be a hero though. We need to thank him for joining the 20th Century, but we need to inculcate into him that it is well worth it to join us in the 21st century. You don't get to claim you were only engaging in conditional bigotry. Bigotry is bigotry--hate is hate--Love is Love....there are no conditions to any of it! I have never conditionally loved anyone. I loved my wife when we married, and despite what I'm going through I love my wife every bit as much. I lover the family members, in-laws, that ostracized me 18 years ago. I also am a *bigot*, and proudly so......I absolutely have unconditional bigotry for bigots. I will call it's wretched stink out every single time whenever, whatever, or however it rises up by Un-Christlike choices, or any kind of choices. I am duty bound to do so, *because* of my faith, my hope, may charity, and indeed my Love, Empathy, and Compassion....thus my name, Leanora(h). Those are my core principles and I'm sticking to them.

HOME RULES: THE WRITING ON THE WALL

March 14, 2013,   Akron, Ohio (six feet under)

Sorry I haven't been blogging of late. I have been busy trying to organize my facebook  group, "Transgender Mormons and Allies". The group has been a wonderful godsend for me, as I have made so many great new friends, and all my best friends are there supporting and helping me. I have them to thank for the early success we have been able to achieve. I am beginning to have dreams about what kind of life is possible for me, and I am utterly amazed. If you are not already a member, I would urge you to go there and do so:https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/  Also, If you are not my friend on facebook yet, please friend me:    Here is the link for my page:https://www.facebook.com/Leah.Loreli

I have also had my families rejection of me weighing heavily on me. It just doesn't make any sense. It goes against everything I have ever been taught or learned my entire life. Nothing in my Religion or Church suggests that this is the way to treat people. Nothing about our ideology suggests this either. We are all devout Latter Day Saints (Mormons), and we are all Bleeding-Heart Pollyanna Liberals. My wife's folks divorced when they were young, but they always got along. Mine stayed together, but were highly disfunctional. Sure there were some not so great examples of how not to raise families, and not be a good spouse, but I truly thought we were avoiding those pitfalls. The more I think about this, the more i realize we never really had a marriage much past the first 4 years or so.

Foolish I was, to come out to my wife and daughters on New Years Eve thinking there would be any different result. It still doesn't explain the why. In our living room is hanging a large framed picture of our "HOME RULES". My wife has had it there for the past 15 years or so. Here is what it says:
1.  Always be honest. Proverbs 12:22
2.  Count your blessings. Psalms 34:1-5
3.  Bear each others burdens. Galations 6:2
4.  Forgive and forget. Micah 7:18
5.  Be kind and tender hearted. Ephesians 4:32
6.  Comfort one another.1 Thessalonians 4:18
7.  Keep your promises. Romans 4:21
8.  Be supportive of one another.  Acts 20:35
9.  Be True to each other.  Revelations 15:3
10. Look after each other.  Dueteronomy 15:11
11. Treat each other like you treat your friends. Matthew 7:12
12. But most important of all is, Love one another, deeply from the heart.  1 Peter 1:22

I love all of these Commandments. And lets face it, they are commandments that we as followers of Christ, must obey, if we expect to be called Saints to any degree whatsoever. The ice cold response I was given to my coming out was a direct violation of just about every one of these refrains.  I was duty bound to come out to them, and I'm duty bound to transition to my true self, anything less is dishonesty. Bearing each others burdens we both fall short on. an 18 year basement sequester will do this to you. Forgive and forget. I held my wife up as a perfect princess for at least 17 of those 18  years....ask my siblings about that one. They've been trying to get me to leave my wife for at least 16 years, to no avail. I actually have admitted that they were right.

Where was the kindness and tender heartedness? Never saw it. Where was the comfort? Never saw it. Where was the supportiveness? Never saw it. Being true to each other, I was in full violation, while pretending to be a man. 24 years of *my bad*. I was in full guile, my salvation was in jeopardy. No more! Did we look after each other? Not much. Did we treat each other like we treat our friends? Hardly. Did we love one another deeply from the heart? I thought so, at least for the first few years. Being rejected so instantaneously, and so matter-of-factly, I question if it was ever the case.

About a week ago I went upstairs for a late night snack, and while it was heating, I went into the living room.  I noticed a letter from my youngest daughter from BYU-Idaho. It was a month old, but I figured I would be finding some pleasant news about my thriving daughter. Instead my heart sank into deep dispair as I read the words (addressed to my wife), "I hope you have found the job in Ashland you wanted. You need to get out of Akron as soon as possible, like you want." Ashland is an hour south of here. My wife's sister lives there, and my oldest daughter wants to go to school there. So when was she going to tell me? Was she just going to move out while I'm away one weekend? Apparently, this is the end. This house is no longer my home. I have to pack up and I hate packing. I have way to many issues going on to deal with finding a place to store my stuff. I'm glad we have no assets to divy up, and we are renting, so no problem there.

I have decided that I cannot stay here in Akron and transition. I must move out of here and start new someplace else. I promise to fill you in on the details of some of my plans in my next post, in a day or two.

It is really hard for me. I never thought I would ever get divorced. I never wanted to think of myself as a quitter. I must rise above this and wish my wife well. I do love her, and wish all the best for her. She deserves a second chance to honor those "HOME RULES", with someone she can truly love. I make myself the promise that if I am ever so blessed to ever find love again, that I will, indeed honor the Home Rules that were so dishonored against me. And it will all be unconditional, for that is the only way I know how. Love is Love.

May you all love one another, and do so as your true selves. My name is Leah, and this is my wish for all of you. Thank you so much for supporting me, loving me and being my friend in this most difficult time in my life.

MY BISHOP-GAUNTLET OR PARADIGM SHIFT

I HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLE DAY TODAY, AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT!

I really have been thinking about, dreaming about, and dreading this day all my life. I have thought for over 24 years that my wife would have outed me to my Bishop as a cross-dresser by now. Every day I went to church I expected to be called in and interrogated about my transgender identity, for which I thought my wife would label it cross-dressing, or transvestism, or something else I know she would liken unto a disgusting perversion. I've lived my life in fear of this. I let my wife have all the power. Mostly I didn't care. I'm an extreme feminist and I would never ever belittle, disenfranchise, denigrate or subjegate any woman, let alone my wife. I always let her control things, to my own detriment. I have lived a cuckolded-like life. Everything is exactly the same but the boyfriend living upstairs. Today, everything changes.

Being forced to be celibate for 18 years can really make a person resort to extremes to stay sane. I tried to make things work for me as pretending to be a man. Running Campaigns, working on campaigns, being an organizer and activist, being on 5 different Board of Directors, being a youth baseball, soccer, football, t-ball, and hockey coach. Being a wilderness guide for YMCA Adventures. Working in Factories, Natural Gas Pipelines, a painter, a roofer, a businessman, a hockey player, an Army Man, and myriad other things. Much of this was compensation, or over compensation, for who I knew I really was. I was ashamed of who I was. I tried always to hide it. I kept it to my hidden places......buried wardrobes in forests, and abandon places.
I would only dress up as myself in secret, with few exceptions. I had paper routes from 10 years old. They were afternoon papers, but on Saturday Mornings I would dress as myself in the wee hours of the morning and do my papers as the girl I was.

This guileful life continued until just recently. I would only go for my "me" walks at 2-4 am, when there is the fewest people awake, and least chance to be caught. I was caught a couple of times resulting in significant events I will explain in a different post someday. I want to keep this mostly upbeat.

Today was just always going to be a big day. I really was ready for anything. When I got home I was exhausted, because I must admit I didn't get any sleep last night, and only 2 hours the night before. I quickly got on facebook and posted a "Life Event" so I wouldn't have to type my experience over and over 50 times. I spent several hours answering the comments and being inundated with a dozen people chatting with me at the same time. I love my friends and they were really anticipating this day with me. I count myself as the most fortunate girl in the world with all the friendship, kindness, and compassion I am shown by my friends, and "squish's". (You all Rock!).

The following is the Life Event Post I made.....for those of you who were so kind to read and comment there already, feel free to skip ahead. I will make additional remarks about today, and my Bishop-Gauntlet afterward:

MY MORMON/LDS BISHOP ACCEPTS, LOVES, AND WELCOMES ME AS A TRANSsEXUAL WOMAN: First Interview with New Bishop (I Couldn't Have Hoped for a Better Outcome)

Today in Akron, Ohio (2 photos)

I have been contemplating this day all my life. There are myriad ways this meeting with the lay leader, (Bishop, like a Pastor) of my local Ward of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints or to others, the Mormon Church. I anticipated any outcome, but the most likely were mostly dis-edifying and punitive in nature. I could have been set on a course for a disciplinary council that would dole out a dis-fellowship status or an ex-communication. I was not anticipating what happened. 

A few days ago I was unexpectedly overcome with feelings of happiness, brought on by hearing the song, "Off the Wall", by Michael Jackson. In it I kept hearing the words, "life aint so bad". The last couple days, in addition to the happiness I had overwhelming feelings of comfort to go along with my happiness. I could feel the effects and the frequencies of the many prayers said for my benefit. Some of you have fasted for me, and others have done and expressed great efforts for me. Heavenly Father and Heavenly Mother have received these supplications, and have made me aware of them, and have answered them with effects of edification for my behalf. Miracles are happening!

I was met at Church at 8:15 am, by my best friend at Church and the exec. Secretary with, "there is an unexpected Stake Audit, and the Bishop can't see you today." This was upsetting because my wife surprised me with, "I need you to ask the Bishop for Rent assistance this Month", while we were driving to Church. Wow, thanks for the heads up on that honey. A Brand new Bishop and I have to beg for money and tell him I'm not "a Man". No pressure! So I was like, "can you squeeze me in for something during Sunday School, so I can get help with rent at least. He's a friend, so he did what I asked. He came back with a 1pm slot for 10 minutes. I thought all through Church, "oh my gosh, another week of anxiety".

1pm came and I went in. I set up a plan to work it off, I already work at the Bishops Storehouse 10-15 hours per month, plus evidence of my 40 hours per month of charitable volunteering and other work. I got the Check, but he then said, "It's going to me 20 minutes before it's ready, so why not start talking about what we need to talk about." I said okay.

I asked to start with prayer, and I'm glad I did. He offered. I then asked him what the former Bishop had told him. He said that I had told him I had some gender issues and that "You thought you were a woman 'trapped' in a mans body". I told him that's not how I put it. He said he studied up on the issue. I explained to him about more than my Transgender identity, I told him I was a Transsexual Woman, and that I have known this since 4 years old. That I have been celibate for 18 years. He asked me if this was forced or by choice, I told him by force, and he was shocked. I explained my history, which I wont go into detail here, but I will later in a further status or my blog....this is too much to type up separately for all my friends for whom I have so much love.

Suffice to say this Bishop is all I could ever ask for any leader of any Church, local group. He had all my core values, of love, empathy and compassion. His love for me was so obvious, and he wanted me to know that our Heavenly Parents love me, and that Jesus loves me. He expressed that he too was more feminine than his wife and that the former Bishop teased him that if his favorite color was pink , that he was crossing a spiritual line. No wonder this former Bishop chastised me so disedifyingly last month. 

My Bishop said he saw no problems whatsover with me presenting as the woman that I am. At Church or otherwise. He was familiar with the Handbook, even more than the former Bishop who had 6 years to study it. My Bishop new more in 2 weeks! He went right to the exact passages and said I was in violation of none of it. It would even allow me to have surgery if I had okays from a counselor and a doctor, as my health would not make it an "elective" surgery. He was very concerned for my health and well being. He does not want me to be suicidal. 

My Bishop was very concerned for my well being at Church, especially our rich and snooty, snobby Ward. he said, "Our doctrine is accompanying of the real you, but our culture is not. Our Ward especially will be really mean to you. I am ashamed of that. LDS in general are a very mean culture, and we need to work hard to fight that" My Bishop seems to be quite enlightened, and I asked him about it. He said he has several family members that are LGBT, and some of his family has married LGBT and they thought they could change them, but this is your identity and you can't be changed. I was so overwhelmed with heavenly emotion I broke down and sobbed. He returned that emotion with a warm loving hug.

Finally, he asked me how I felt about my Priesthood. Now my Feminist Mormon, Leah, kicked in (He kept calling me Roberta, Lol). I explained to him how I feel that all LDS Women hold the Priesthood or Priestesshood already, and that I, as a woman, have utilized it righteously and successfully. He agreed that he thought that some future time will have a new revelation establishing more likely a Priestesshood. I was blown away. My heart was so full of love, empathy and compassion for him. He is a feminist/LGBT welcoming Mormon Bishop. Could it be I may be lead my someone who is nearly as liberal as me. He totally treated me like his peer, and not his inferior. I am so tahnful for him. God saw to it My Bishop was changed at exactly the right time. I know my former Bishop would not be half as accepting. I have never been so proud to be a Mormon. Now off to the Stake President, some time later, and another 1 or 2 hour meeting next week with this same Bishop. No, No, No....Life Aint So Bad at All. In Fact Life is Pretty Dang Good. ;) :D ♥

Okay, so here is what I want to add to what I said earlier on the Life event:   Some other points my Bishop made were as follows. He said that he had inquired of a gender specialist about my situation. He said he wanted to know my sex, and since I had children that I must be a male. When the point was made that I had three daughters, the "specialist" had a caveat that there may be extenuating circumstances for my sex, perhaps a chromosomal differentiation. He clearly believes, like I do, that sex is between the legs and gender is between the ears. He was quite okay with me attending the Ward as "Roberta" (I didn't divulge the name I am going by now), and wearing a dress and a wig. I was taken aback that he so freely admitted that our Church is full of a bunch of intolerant, small-minded, holier than thou's, and that they would be mean to anybody different than them. He said if it were up to him there isn't even an issue we me attending as a woman. None whatever. He told me he didn't care what others would think that my rights to be my true self outweigh the intolerant sensibilities of any ward 

members. His only concern was for my health and my well being. He was worried that I would have my feelings so deeply hurt that I may quit coming to Church. I assured him I was strong, and that I was capable of being my true self and holding my own. Anyhoo, pasting this post from facebook here has caused the formatting of this post to go crazy, and it is not letting me make paragraphs or change the columns. I will just say that today really changed my life....again. Something happened today that I never thought was possible in my lifetime. I owe the people that chose to install him as my Bishop a big favor, because I truly have found an advocate. It doesn't hurt that we are exactly the same age, and both are feminine. I wanted to hug him and he said he wanted to hug me too. No Bishop has ever hugged me so hard and so warmly as this Bishop. He is so kind and understanding and I am truly blessed to have him there for me. I hope he can hold his own in advocating for me with the Stake President. I don't relish going through the opposite emotions next week. I truly feel anything is possible. The heavens have opened up and I can see inside them, and they are wonderful. I feel like the Bruno Mars song "Locked Out of Heaven". Although, instead of sex taking me there, it is Liberality, one of the Heavenly Virtues.  I see the makings of a paradigm shift coming. It gives me such hope and optimism. I will see the whole Ward on Friday night at our annual Chile Cook-Off. And my Bishop, the cook that he is, has won it for 7 years running. I want to go early to be a judge. I will get to eat till my hearts content. Amazing that my Bishop unlocked my heart, imprisoned in this basement for so long, and he's going to serve me heaping amounts of his award winning chili. Of course, no one else in my family will go, they all hate chili. 

MY 'GO AT THROTTLE-UP YEAR', AS A PHOENIX, & Go 49ers!

So, it just occurred to me that it has been one month since I came out to my wife and daughters, on New Years Eve. So far, it has not been as freeing as I thought it would be. Probably because not much has changed. Their reactions to me were very cold, and unaccepting, and warrant me being low key and remaining cautious about any transitioning. This is with the understanding, by my wife's reaction, that I will be asked to move out immediately if I present to them as Leah. This is something I think I thought was going to happen, so I'm not so shocked about it anymore

Yesterday I saw some large envelopes in the trash, that had been opened. I picked them out to look at them and was startled to find out they were addressed to me, Leanorah-Laurelei Grace. Now they know my name for sure, but I have nothing to hide. If they want to check out all my online activity, I'm fine with that. I am kinda upset they found out like this, and even more so, that they didn't see fit to pass the mail off to me. I'm going to be careful not to sign any more petitions as Leah, at least for the time being. I'd also rather my friends address my mail as Bob, until I do move out. I enjoy actually receiving my mail, even more than the wonderful feeling of seeing my true name in print. It is so much fun receiving mail as Leah. I feel like a teenage pen pal, back in the day.

I've received some wonderful gifts in the mail I was actually able to intercept only because they were too large to fit through the slot, and they had to be brought to my side door, the one I access from my cold basement. Some beautiful prints which remind me everyday of my own beautiful soul, and my divine feminine. And, the cutest purple knit hat with a pink flower that everyone wants to kiss, and a matching scarf. I wore them to my University of Akron LGBT-Union meeting this week, and got a picture, which I made my new profile and cover photo here. I have also received the gift of some of the most wonderful phone calls from my facebook friends, whom I consider my sisters. I would be so lost without them. I know with certainty, if not for these four remarkable young women, I would have sunk into a deep despair and depression. I want to publicly acknowledge these women for the Angels and inspiration they are to me. Julia, Lori, Marni, and Bertita are awesome people that are a godsend to me. I want them to know that they mean more to me than they'll ever know. They will always be in my heart, and I am eternally grateful for them being in my life. I appreciate all my online friends. I love them all. It's the only place I actually ever get any love, so it's so easy to love them back.

So, here I am, my dishes are done. I'm embarrassed to say I let 3 weeks of dishes pile up, so it took me 3 hours to do them. I am a horrible housewife. And I'm not even working right now, so I have no excuse. I deserve some of the alienation my family gives me. But, for right now, the dishes and the housework is done, which is a great feeling. I always go for a celebratory walk after doing so much housework. I have pep and happy feet in my step. I'm smiling and happy, and I'd be pretty damn fun to hang around right now, if I had any friends. Anyway, I went out for a walk in 15 degrees with a zero wind chill. I have a nice San Francisco 49ers Starter pullover quilted winter jacket, that I am so proud to strut around in. Sure I wish it was all pink and girly, but Bob gets to have fun too. This is the first time I can smile ear to ear wearing this in 18 years! Its over 20 years old, and still in pristine condition (because I wear other 'Niner jackets when they aren't in the Super Bowl). It's a great contrast, this red jacket in the white winterscape of Northeast Ohio in mid-winter.

I was walking merrily along, and low and behold there were a group of boys throwing a football around. We're a hearty lot, us Buckeyes, and we'ff play football in any weather. I was coming toward them and started waving my arms, like my wide receiver/ tight end days, signaling I'm open for a pass. Sure enough, they obliged me, and let go a monster, hail-mary pass down the middle of the snowy street, right smack through the intersection, about 40 yards. What ensued happened all in slow motion for me. Bear in mind, I'm out of my blood pressure meds, and I need new eye glasses. It's a dark cloudy day, right near sunset, so most of the light was from the street lights. I lost the ball at its apex, and had to run up to get it, when i regained sight of it. No problem, I have an athletic resume, with 20 years of competitive ice hockey, baseball, football, soccer, lacross and baskeball. I slipped on some ice, but managed to stay upright, and 'bounce', thud-bang, the ball hit me square in the chest, deflecting straight up in the air. What followed, seemed like a clown juggling act at a circus. I danced around in the middle of an intersection trying like the dickens to haul this beautiful pass in. It was like my life depended on it. My team, the Forty-Niners will lose, if I cannot catch this pass. I must have batted the ball back up in the air half a dozen times. Then, elation! I did it! The ball was mine.

 I've never been so happy to catch a ball in all my life. Not only am I going to keep my warm body, but my team is going to win the Super Bowl, my life is going to turn around, I'm going to rise up out of this basement, like a phoenix, and I'm going to go all-in to my true self...blasting off...throttling-up, to break free of the enslaving gravitation pull of a guileful life of lies. This is my 50th Year. And it's going to be my best year ever

I face my new Bishop of my Church on the 10th. My appointment is for right after church at noon. He said to plan for at least an hour, maybe more. This is the beginning of my gauntlet I face for daring to be truthful about my identity. I plan on spending a great deal of the coming week, pouring through the science of transgender/ transsexual, and trying to put together a letter I want to read to him. I don't trust myself to get across what I want to get across, just from the top of my head, knowing I'll be emotional, and highly stressed. I would appreciate any suggestions or tips or guidance any of you would like to share with me in the comments below. I would very much appreciate your help.

I love my Church, and I want to make a difference from within the Church, as a member in good standing. I want to make it a safe place for all LGBTQIAA people. Many people may think I'm crazy for doing so, for wanting to stick around in such an unwelcoming place, when so many welcoming, loving alternative exist. Any of you who know me, know i never pick the easy way, I never go with the flow, I always "kick against the pricks". I'm a natural born outlier. In the half-full/ half-empty argument, my answer is "neither, you have the wrong size glass". Well, my Church has the wrong size policy. It's not even doctrine or dogma. It's changeable, and very doable, very actionable.

I've thought quite a lot about this in the last month. I feel a strong pull to seek full time employment in the area of LGBT and Feminist Civil Rights. I'm going to write a blog post about this, and talk about it in greater detail, but suffice to say here, my mind and heart are very much settling on this. I don't feel it is a passing phase. I have been a feminist and LGBT activist and advocate for free all my life. I doubled down last year on this, and now it's time I feel, to go All-In. *That* will be my "Go-At-Throttle-Up".

I can't wait for the big game on Sunday...Happy Days are Here Again, my friends....Go 'Niners!!

With All My Love,

Leah-Lori

INCLUDE TRANSGENDER WHEN MENTIONING GAY & LESBIAN

The following is a comment to a blog post on wordpress that I was denied from making. It is just one of many that have been denied. I am beginning to be quite frustrated with them. They just disappear what I write usually, but this time I was able to copy it before that happened. Maybe they think I'm too controversial, I just don't know. But I feel strongly about what I wrote, so I'll make it a personal post:



"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere", yes, I would even go further than just the notion of 'threat'. I say, There is no justice for anyone, when there exists injustice for anyone...for all privilege is sullied, and not justified.

You mention how Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was an advocate for equality far broader than just racially. True. He would be advocating for LGBTQIA and women's rights, because he would know that anti LGBTQIA bigotry and sexism bigotry is far worse than even racism. Was there any doubt that a Black man would be elected before a woman or an LGBTQIA person? Absolutely not, there wasn't.

I have been a gay rights advocate since helping my mom work for Jimmy Carter in 1975. I was 12. I knew I was a girl at 4, but I hid it for then next 45 years. But I always, especially in my adult life did all the Gay and Lesbian Rights activities, events, marches, and advocacy. I have been a high ranking Democratic official, fighting tooth and nail against fellow Dems in our Platform Convention on planks, that I won, and in the Rules Committee, that I won. I am very proud to have been doing this, happily, all this time. But, alas, I am growing increasingly distasteful and offended by my own specific community, transgender, being left out of everything. Marches, events, activities, Groups, Blogs, advocates, simple conversations...we are left out of everything. And people can't tell me the broader community is "implied", because *no* it is not. As a Platform Convention Vice Chair, I well know, that if we are not mentioned, we are not included. Period!

I am sorry I chose your post to vent on, virtually everyone is guilty of this. I'm assured by others that the more conservative members are more open to only these exclusive words. Seriously? I have to lobby for my rights dictated by how the bigots feel about me? Ignorant people are the ones whose minds need to be changed, and if they are not seeing our specific community included, if they are never informed about us, they will never change their minds about us. Gays and Lesbians do not have equal rights, but they are considered a human being in more places than people such as transgender folks are. Trans people are not even in the Human Rights Charter, except for Ontario, in all of North America. We are not even 3/5ths of a human. We are les than was a "slave" or a "savage".

So, yes, this MLK Day and week, it is nice to reflect on the greater need for inclusion for full equality. But hey, all I ask is that we, a community than has more inclusiveness, love, empathy, compassion, and tender loving kindness, than any community on Earth, *be fully inclusive of our own community*! Include transgender in every gay and lesbian thing we title, label and advocate for, in everything we do. Remember me. I am a human being. My name is Leah.

I BEHOLD A DREAM: FOR I BELIEVE IN HOPE (a poem)

I have been asked by several people to compose a poem. I have never really written one, and I don't have much of an understanding of how they are constructed, or what the ingredients of a good poem are. This is my first attempt, so be gentle with the criticism. I would appreciate further guidance or suggestions on how to improve. Maybe I will attempt another.

I was watching the Presidential Inauguration of our President, Barack H. Obama, today. Most of you know I worked for Organizing For America, and had the time of my life on the incredible campaign that most people thought we couldn't pull off. It took a lot of hard work by thousands of dedicated people with Liberal and Progressive values, of Collective Accountability and Responsibility. The President's speech today laid out a bold defense of Collective Activism, which is People and Government. The other side preached against Government, preached against Love, Empathy and Compassion, and openly and proudly with smirks, mocked these things as heresy.

Thank God we elected people in government that don't openly hate and mock government. Things are changing in America. There is more and more diversity, for which I am happy to see, and proud to openly affirm and celebrate. As a multi ethnic, bi-racial, transsexual lesbian, Mormon, I am loud and proud of my diversities. I am just getting to know myself, which is both exhilarating and scary. So today, we celebrate the Reverend Doctor Martin Luther King Jr's, Birthday, and I was contemplating his legacy, and all of his compelling words and speeches. I thought I would write a poem, and dedicate it to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr, and President Barack H. Obama.


                                I BEHOLD A DREAM:  HOPE OF LEANORAH

I behold a dream

Not a dream to hide, nor to shirk

But a dream to share and enlighten

For I believe in Hope.

I behold a dream

In my dream there is love

Oh, how there is love.

Love for all children

Love for all women

Love for all men

Love for all difference

Love for all similarities

Love for Unity

Love for Equality

Love for Love

Conditions, there are none

Oh, how there is love

For I believe in Hope.

I behold a dream

In my dream there is empathy

Oh, how there is empathy

Empathy for misfortune

Empathy for the crestfallen

Empathy for lives lived in guile

Empathy for the oppressed

Empathy for the denigrated

Empathy for those given trial

Empathy for courage

Empathy for empathy

Oh how there is empathy

For I believe in Hope

I behold a dream

In my dream there is compassion

Oh, how there is compassion

Compassion for kindness

Compassion for the priest

Compassion for the priestess

Compassion for the alienated

Compassion for the least

Compassion for the subjegated

Compassion for humanity

Compassion for people

Compassion for compassion

For I believe in Hope.

I behold a dream

In my dream there is affirmation and validity

Oh, how there is acceptance and celebration

Oh how there is tolerance, and empowerment

Oh how there is edification, and uplifting

Affirmation for lesbians

Affirmation for gays

Affirmation for bisexuals

Affirmation for transgenders

Affirmation for genderqueers

Affirmation for pansexuals

Affirmation for transsexuals

Affirmation for asexuals

Oh how there is celebration of Equality and human rights for all

For I believe in Hope.

I behold a dream

Not a dream to pride or smirk

But a dream to flare and  brighten

Not a dream to bury or shame

But a dream to care and righten

Not a dream to shelve with apathy

But a dream so bold as to fan a flame

A flame of valiance, a flame of courage

A flame of desire, a flame of endurance

To lite this fire, that is my dream

For I believe in Hope

I behold a dream

Where there is no inequality, there is no injustice

Where there is no stingy, there is no scrooge

Where there is no greedy, there is no needy

We work together for the further view

We work together for the undiscovered country

We work together, for there is no bordered country

We work together, not for the chosen few

We work together for the further view

We work together-overcome the fools

We work together-overcome the tools

We work together-faith in the new

We work together-charity in the service

We work together-for the hope of the one

Oh how there is working together

For I believe in Hope.

I do behold a dream

I do want to dream

I do want to build Zion

I do want to make the world a better place for all mankind

I do know I will have to overcome the Earth from the fools who negate

I do know we'll have to expend great and marvelous works

Works for transcending

Transcending the reprobate

Transcending the bully's

Transcending the selfish

Transcending the hateful

Transcending the bigots

Transcending the sully's, despoilers and spiteful

Transcending those who dream their stuff don't stink

Oh how I love being trans

In my dream, the world is pink

For I believe in Hope.

For I beheld this dream

I know we can make heaven a place on Earth 

My dream is asking us all to try

I want to do more than just cry

I submit this dream in earnest 

Let us not ask why, but let us ask how

Oh I have so much love-for I have my Hope

And I have my dream

This dream I do behold

The Dream of Leanorah

     

LOSING MY RELIGION, STRENGTHENING MY FAITH: COMING OUT TO MY CHURCH, Part One (The Old Bishop)

The following is the contents of my Facebook Life Event post; First Coming Out At My Church/ Bishop Confrontation, followed by a post on a couple of things I forgot to include earlier, that really stuck in my craw. I added some final thoughts, and share my testimony, at the end. I feel that yesterdays event is significant enough to capture it here. I apologize to all those who have read this already.

I posted this yesterday as my LIFE EVENT STATUS: MY FIRST OUTING TO MY CHURCH/ BISHOP CONFRONTATION. My wife didn't speak to me on the 20 minute drive to church this morning. We walked into Sacrament, about 30 minutes early. She pointed her finger at me and told me, I don't want you sitting anywhere near me. It's not like we've ever sit that close together. There was always a highly visible chasm. Now there was an entire room. I sat in the back, realizing that the Bishop wanted to talk to me during Sunday School. That time came. I walked in to see the Bishop. I had been outed by my wife, but to me it wasn't that big of a deal, because this Bishop is being released next week, and we get a new Bishoprick. I never really felt the Spirit, and he seemed to want to get me to see that I should just live with the status quo, which to me is like unto a cuckholded spouse, without the adultery. I'm in a freezing basement, never with my family for anything, let alone holidays, or even meals. We have been celibate 17 years. He read to me from the policy handbook about gays and lesbians (our Church has no policy on how to deal with us). He said, that what you have are feelings, and you can just keep then in check, like you have been doing for the past 45 years. I brought up how I love the Gospel, Heavenly Father, Jesus, and the atoning sacrifice, and that I have honored out Temple covenants. I brought up the Proclamation on the Family, and how I believe it is a blessing to have, and that I am comforted that it is "gender" is what is sacred and eternal. He twisted that, and told me our society has misused the word sex, and that gender actually is male or female, not sex. I told him gender is between the ears, and in the heart, spirit and soul, while sex is between the legs. He would have none of it. He said, you will not be doing what Heavenly Father wants you to do, if you act on your feelings. I didn't want to argue or be defensive, because those are things everyone warned me about. I was surprised to see another transgender person, that outed herself to me this summer. She has long hair past her shoulders, so she was easy to spot in Sacrament. I went up to her and told her I was about to see the Bishop, after having told my wife and family on Monday. She hugged me, and wished me the best of luck. I told the Bishop every Ward in the Church has several of us, only closeted. Our Ward has others besides me, and that I know others who have retained membership, and are Bishops and Stake Presidents. He said that isn't true. He asked me who, I told him it's not for me to say. The Church needs to address this issue specifically, so we know where we really stand. We are everywhere, in far greater numbers than you can possibly imagine. He seemed to be in denial, like Iran's President saying, "there are no LGBT people in Iran". That made him a laughing stock to the world, and our Church is rapidly doing the same, unless we truly address us LGBTQIA people with inclusivity, and absolute validity. I felt he thinks I'm totally invalid in being who I am. The good news is, I get a total do over in the next few weeks. A new Bishop is coming next week, and I convinced this one to leave it to me to bring him the first words about myself. I will be so much better prepared, that much is certain. I am so tired, and very dysphoric now. This is the Epiphany and also my middle daughters 21st Birthday. So, Happy Day. All is Well.          

I believe it is a Commandment that we are to never judge people. The scriptures are replete with anti judging verses, hundreds of them. The couple of times we are given permission to make some discernments, are not in the context of judging a person. My Bishop tried to tell me we are commanded to judge one another. It took all my strength to not come back with, "You Gotta Be Shittin' Me!" He also tried to say there exists no Mormon women who believe there exists any sexism, or that males have any advantages. He went further, "I doubt if many women in our society believe that there is male privilege". I brought up that, "Why would I choose this transgender upon myself? Women are subservient in our society, they are considered lesser, denigrated, oppressed, taken advantage of, paid 75 cents to men, a 6 cent improvement in 45 years!, and generally have a lesser standing in our society. Why would I willingly choose to give up the advantages I experience every day I present as male? He proceeded to tell me I was full of it. "Oh no, that's not true. No one in our Church believes that, and only a few in the world believe that." Excuse me? (WTF....Over!) Those are two of the most asanine Church positions I have ever heard in my entire life. And I have to deal with such ignorance, that is bigotry, at the same time that I am called to the matt for being transgender, because my wife angirly outed me, before I could tell him? But I rant. Sorry. Like it says here.....Just don't judge anyone. Love everyone.

At this point, I would like to insert my testimony, lest I be thought of as apostate, or a quitter, or a loser. I believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and that he came and lived a perfect example for us to follow. I believe everything in our lives should reflect favorably on living a Christ-Like life. That we are commanded to love one another above all else, save the love we have for our God. To live a Christ-like life means to unconditionally love, accept and validate all human beings for who and what they are. Christ came to serve the alienated, ostracized, denigrated, hated, despised, the different, oppressed, non-conforming people of the Earth. We are to serve one another, for in service of our fellow man, we are in service of our Lord. We are to treat every human being as if they actually are Jesus. For whatever we do unto the least valid, least affirmed, least loved, least successful, it is as if we are doing it unto Jesus. God is no respecter of persons, neither is he a disrepecter. God has no more respect for a heterosexual than any gay or lesbian or bi person. No more respect for a cis-gender person than a transgender person.

I believe in the atonement of Jesus, our Lord and Savior. That he died, in an atoning sacrifice for all of the sins of all the people that ever have lived, are living, or ever will live. I believe that Jesus is our supreme intercessor, who will plead our case before Heavenly Father and Mother, who will judge us. I personally, in my opinion, do not see Jesus as ever losing a single case, and he will defend everyone, without exception.

I believe Joseph Smith was a Prophet of the Lord, that he restored the Church, and translated the Book of Mormon for this dispensation. I believe in the Bible, Old and New Testaments, the Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, and the Doctrine and Covenants, as far as they are all translated correctly. I believe Thomas S. Monson is our Prophet at this time. I have deep affectionate love for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am a Mormon, and I will always be a Mormon. 

I also know that I cannot abide my current Status Quo. I must make the necessary moves to become my Best True Self. To bring myself away from guile and continuing as a fake human being. I do know who I am, and I know that God knows I know who I am. My salvation would be in jeopardy if i were to continue along the old path of the past 45 years.  I will leave it to others to discern my sincerity of love for the Gospel, and my degree of faithfulness. Flawed men may see fit to punish me, to conditionalize my membership and participatory level in the Church. I will go through tremendous emotions, and very painful hurt. I will experience exclusionary practices, and yes, be subject to political prejudices, skewed religiosity, and the whims of local leaders. I must not let this bring me down. I pray to Heavenly Father, that I will not acquire enmity for my Church or any members thereof. I pray that I can maintain my testimony, my identity, and my love, empathy and compassion for all people, that my Faith, Hope and Charity will shine forth around me and within me. I pray that I may continue to serve others, and to edify them, and lift up all people. I pray that I can dig up my buried Talents, and utilize them for the benefit of others. My Heart is full, and I am thankful for my life, and this opportunity that I have been given. These things I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

THE COLD STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN: HOW I CAME OUT TO MY WIFE AND DAUGHTERS

As some of you may by now know, I am no longer in the closet to my wife of 24 years, and my three daughters ages 23, 21, and 19. I went through with my plan to "Come Out" to them on December 31, 2011.  I did it, I went through with the Granddaddy of all Coming Outs. It had to be done in the morning if it was to be done, since they always leave early, and stay gone for two days with her family I am ostracized from. I have yet to see them come home.

Here is how it went down. I stayed up all night on Sunday night, contemplating, pondering, praying, and seeking online, facebook and twitter friends that have become my dearest friends. Many of them have become my close Sisters, whom I truly have deep love for. I got a tremendous amount of encouragement, love, empathy, compassion, tender loving kindness, full understanding and acceptance. For that I am very thankful. I may have chickened-out without you guys, so thank you so very much. I am such an outlier in everything in my life, and every fiber of my being. I know for a certainly that God did not make me to blend in, to conform, to fit in (a box), to march in lock-step (in any fashion, especially goose), to be apathetic, indifferent, or acquiescent. Most of all he did not make me to be a Pretender, a guileful, fake human being. All these things were on my mind as the time drew near. I looked up online web sites, including LDS sites, and none of it appeared to help me much, in fact some of it was quite offensive to my spirit and disedifying, and that is not what I was about. All in all, I was left to the friendship online and especially in my new facebook group I co-founded with 2 of my most beautiful and wonderful friends. Please check out my new group for Transgender Mormons and Allies. Everyone in every aspect of the trans community is welcome, every person with present or past Mormon culture background is welcome, and everyone who is an ally to both trans folks and the Mormon culture, or just one of them, is welcome to join. We are entirely inclusive and loving. Our Motto is "Always Safe, Always Love", and we mean it.  Just look us up in facebook groups "Transgender Mormons and Allies".

So, I was left to my group, and my close friends online, from which I derived much strength, courage, and love. My prayers were fruitful, in that I was affirmed in what I was about to do. At about 10 am, I said, this is it, this is what I am supposed to do, and now is the time. This is the very last time I walk up these cold, dank, alienated, basement stairs, as Bob, the guileful fake human being. This will be the last time I scrape off this horrible stubble, from what is perceived as Bob. This will be the last time I will comb the bald head of a man named Bob. So many last's, and such an undiscovered country full of firsts to be exited about. Always reminding myself, yes, "this is really happening". The best advise I got was to be sure to present my whole coming out with tender loving kindness, not to argue, or raise my voice, or become defensive, because it is about the only thing I remembered. I chose not to go upstairs with a script, or even a list of any promptings. This was going to come directly from my heart, Leah's heart, and the Spirit of guidance and edification from Heavenly Father and Mother, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost. I would be amiss if I didn't also acknowledge all the prayers and fasting and positive energy and radio waves, expressed for me, and about me. I definitely felt it all, and it not only buttressed me, but validated my spirit, and engendered my courage and countenance. I truly want to thank you all for that.

Having gotten myself about as ready as I was ever going to be, and having heard the floor boards, above my head, creak with the stirrings of my family, I mustered my faculties together and headed up those lonely stairs. I found only my youngest daughter downstairs in the living room. I asked her where everyone was, and what their plans for the day were. She said they were all upstairs, and that they were planning on leaving in about an hour. I told her I needed to see the whole family, for an "important announcement". She went up and immediately I heard my wife exclaim, "Ladies, I need you downstairs, right now!" My heart kind of sunk a little bit, realizing that she knows what is coming. After having all gathered in the living room, I stood before them and started to speak. "I want you to know that I am very proud and thankful to be your husband, and I am very proud and thankful to be your father. I do not regret either one. This is something I have struggled with all my life. This is something I have known about since I was 4 years old." Then I started crying. I was temporarily unable to continue. It was the opposite feeling from when I came out to one of my Boards (of Directors), where I felt everyone else was in slow motion, and I was moving in hyper senses working overtime. This time it was almost the opposite. I felt like I was moving in slow motion, and my senses were dulled.

Finally, my wife just came out and asked, "what is it Bob", in a soft and kind voice, but not loving. I struggled for a moment, contorting my mouth and face, wiping away tears, "I am Transgender". "We've known", was my wife's quick response. It was so matter of fact, and so rapid a response, I was not surprised, but I was thrown off guard somewhat. "no, not just cross-dressing, full on transgender", I added. They said that yes, "we know, we've seen it on TV, and elsewhere, we know".  At this point I perceived the smirks on two of my daughters faces, as the looked at each other. There was stillness and silence. Heads were down. I didn't feel at all to add anything. I did ask them if they had any questions. They all said no. "I will always be your father, I will never regret being your father, and I will always be your Dad", I said. My wife then asked, "so what are you going to do now?" I told her that, "I plan to transition sometime in the future". "Well then, your going to have to start looking for a place to live", was my wife's cold response. Then she added. "and you will make an appointment to see both Bishop's". (it was announced on Sunday, we are getting a new Bishop on Jan 13.) I think she plans on telling the Bishop right away, and initiating the end of things the way they are.  I responded that "yes, I will make the appointments, and I will see both Bishops". What misfortune of having to do this hard thing twice, and dealing with two Bishops, one of whom I have no idea, who it is. So this was about all there was. I had to ask, "can I please get a hug?" My youngest daughter, age 19, home for Christmas, from BYU-Idaho, came immediately to me and hugged me. My oldest daughter did, begrudgingly, followed by my wife, with the same unloving, begrudging attitude. My middle daughter, who previously  held me in open contempt, just refused to hug me, and remained seated. No one said anything else, as it was a cold, and unaccepting atmosphere, that nothing more could be added, without getting hurt feelings and raising ire's. I decided then, that my most cold stairway had just been climbed. It is a stairway to heaven, and the transition from it being a cold one to a warm one, one with love, empathy, compassion, faith, hope, and charity in it, is just beginning.

I walked out of the living room, and into the kitchen. I could hear them talk about trans people. About Gender Confirmation surgery, revealing their understanding of the process, "the penis is inverted", and such. I opened the fridge, revealing very little food. The family already doesn't share food with me, and they get all their holiday time food from her family. There was only a large jar of pickles. So I grabbed myself a couple of pickles, and just stood in the kitchen, not yet ready to go down the stairs as the un-closet'ed person I have become. I soon figured it was of no use, and probably wrong to, to just stand there and eves drop on my family, so I took my sour pickles, and as proudly as I could, walked down that cold stairway, for the first time as Leah, and the true and authentic woman, I have now told the world that I am. Oh, I am still Bob, for a little while, but Bob was always me, Leah. I am one in the same. I am a human being, my name is Leah, and I am a woman. I am good, and I am dang ready to start roaring. Wait till everyone gets a load outta 'me'.

This is the first day of the new year. So Happy New Year, everyone. I hope 2013 is the best year in lives of all of you. It is the first day of the rest of my life. I have been reborn, refreshed, renewed. I am still in the process, this whole business of 'Coming Out', and transitioning. I have many hard roads to travel, many cold stairways yet to climb. But I am on my way, and I am up to the challenge. December 31, was my sister's birthday, the one that committed suicide, 21 years ago, at age 14. I picked this day to come out to honor my sister, as well as mourn her, and rise above the pain I have for her. It is now a special 'birthday' for me, and will always and ever more be a day of remarkable celebration.

All my Love and warmest regards and wishes for the Happiest Year Ever,

Leah.

IT'S A LONG WAY to the TOP, IF YA WANNA BE A GIRL

So....I have not posted for a few weeks as I have been involved with quite a few holiday activities, volunteering and making new and wonderful friends on facebook. I am a Holiday Orphan, meaning I am left on my own for all Holidays and Family get-togethers. Being ostracized is a terrible thing, and I would never inflict it upon anybody, for any reason. It doesn't make me want to do anything to rebuild the burned and bombed out bridges. I loved these people, and they just shut me out 17 years ago, turning off their love for me , like it was as simple as a light switch. Anybody who can conditionalize their love for you so willy-nilly, is undeserving of any rebuilding of family ties. That's the way I feel about it now. I still love them all very much.

Christmas has come and gone. Our 24th Anniversary came and went, on the 17th. I was shot down in flames for wanting to take my wife out on a date, a week before. A few days later, she apologized, saying, "I was cleaning the piano and discovered the cats had been peeing on it, and I took it out on you, I'm sorry. Do you still want to go out Monday?" I said that, yes, I did. So we went out. I had been planning to come out to her over dinner, but the time never seemed right, and we were enjoying ourselves. The spirit told me to hold off on that. Later that week I was invited to a Birthday party, as Leah. I went, all dressed to the nines. I had a wonderful time conversing with my friend and making new friends, playing pool, and dancing, it was a blast. I got pulled into the ladies room several times, for refreshing our lipstick, even to borrow my lipstick, and to gab and gossip. I was just accepted as one of the girls, without question. It felt awesome, and very affirmational. To be looked upon and treated as the woman that I am, oh, what a feeling!

Just a few days earlier I had attended my monthly transgender support group and had a wonderful time in my red Christmas dress. Afterward we went shopping at some major department stores. I was surprised that no one reacted negatively, just a few long looks and smiles. I smile back, and get more courage every time. We went to Burger King to get 55 cent Whoppers. Then it happened. It was going to happen, sooner or later. I had to use the bathroom, and I was Leah. There was no hiding it. I had to use the Women's Restroom, for the first time. I was a little nervous, but I just walked right in. There was no one there, so it went smoothly. I came out and washed my hands, then a couple of women came in. They looked at me, and one said, "oh, I love your shoes, and your pearls." So, now I know, I will be okay if I have pretty shoes and bling. Ha!

Last Wednesday, was one of my Boards, Annual meeting. We were discussing many things and voting. One subject came up that we had been working on for a while, our Re-Branding and name change. It came up that we were really only voting on changing our public persona, our corporate name would stay the same. This was a big surprise to me, as we had been discussing this for nearly a year, and we had serious discussions with professionals during the summer. This dichotomy never came up, although my activity diminished in September and October because of my working on the Obama Re-Election Campaign. So I spoke up in opposition to the dichotomy and I likened it unto myself. I had no idea I was going to come out to my entire Board of Directors, but here I was, discussing myself. "I am Transgender. I am a woman. I am coming out, and in the transition process. I am living in this public persona as Bob, but this is a facade, my real self is Leah, and the sooner I get everything switched over to being Leah, the better. It is quite burdonsome being Bob and Leah, both a man and a woman. I voice my opposition to maintaining our corporate name as the same, in this vein. When we vote to re-brand, it should change our public and private name together." As I was saying that, and I said additional things, but that is the gist, the whole room slowed down. It seemed as if the entire Board was moving in slow motion, and I was the only one in real time. My senses...one, two, three, four, five...senses working over--time! I had acquired heightened awareness, and I could see each and everyone's full reaction to my coming out to them. Including, my CEO (whom I was already privately out to), who dropped her jaw, mouth agape, as were several others, many eyebrows raised. But all that was quickly switched over to smiles, and tears of happiness. The business of the Board carried on, and eventually the meeting was over.

After the meeting, everyone swarmed me, to give me hugs and congratulations. Everyone stated that they support me, and are proud and honored that I came out to them, and that I was brave to be my true self. One member asked, "what did you just say?" He is a prominent member of the community. He had no idea what transgender is, so I explained to him. The more I explained the happier he became. He gave me a bear hug, and said, "Now I don't ever want to see you in pants again. Wear your prettiest dress, and you be yourself." Then he proclaimed in a loud voice, "I have never been so proud to be a part of this Board!" He loves AC/DC, and Karaoke, and knows I do too, and he asked, "Will you still be singing,'It's a Long Way To The Top, If Ya Wanna Rock-n-Roll?" "In a Princess Dress!", I answered. To roaring applause and laughter. I felt On Top Of the World at that moment.

So, a lot of monumental firsts, for a transgender person, have been going on in the last 2 weeks. I have made three new friends on Facebook, that to me are monumental. These woman are so remarkable, and such a godsend, during my sad and lonely Christmas, that they have put me on cloud nine. They are not only as sisters, they are my sisters, my Sissy's , in fact. I love them dearly, and I want to thank them for finding me, and I am so grateful that I was given this opportunity to find you.

Just today, I was asked by another friend, to start a new facebook group for transgender Mormons and Allies. That is the name of it:  Transgender Mormons and Allies   Here is the link;
https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/https://www.facebook.com/groups/450454028337645/             I hope many of you will join this discussion group and be a part of it. We later will form a sister group to it that will have a focus on activism within and without the Church.

Finally, the Coup-de-Grat!  The Mother of all Coming Out events!  I have set a hard date for coming out to my wife!  Can you believe this? This is really happening. I am a girl, and she is going to be free to be herself. No more guile. At least this will go a long way to the greatest shedding of it. I have no idea what her reaction will be. I may be homeless in a few days. I may be told, "we already knew this". I will be coming out to my 3 daughters as well. They are age 23 (just yesterday), 21 (on Jan 6), and just 19 (Nov.3) home from BYU-Idaho, for the holidays. I am scared to death. I may be in for some time in hell. They may go straight to the Bishop, and get be in trouble, with my standing. I just don't know. I do know that this is the time and this is the place. No more lies!  Wish me luck please. I would appreciate any words of support you can leave as a comment for me.  Thank you so very very much, for being my friend, and reading my blog. I hope to see you again soon.

Merry Christmas, Happy Kwaanza, Seasons Greetings, Happy-Joyous Holidays, Happy Lucky 13 New Year, and everything! ;)

All My Love,

Leah

WALKING ON THIS EARTH FINDING YOU: Why My Wife Leaving Me At Home From Church Led to the Discovery of a Beautiful Friendship

Those of you that saw my flailing facebook status this morning will know where I am coming from. I got left behind from going to Church this morning. Now this is a big deal to me, because I am a devout Latter Day Saint, and I hold attending Sacrament and all my meetings regularly in high regard. This is in spite of myself, and my entire family since childhood for that matter, being alienated, ostracized and despised. This is not something I take lightly, and is not something I exaggerate about. My family has always been treated in an inferior way, for real. This cannot be the fluke of living in a bad luck, or cursed Ward, as this has remained the case in Washington, Oregon, California, Idaho, Utah, Arizona, Nebraska, Missouri, Kentucky, New York and Rhode Island. Anyway, I digress, as I am not intending to write about my displeasure at the way my family has been treated by my Church. My point is that I was highly distressed at missing Church today, because I love Church so much.

This has happened several times before, spread out over a 17 year period, maybe once a year or every other year. But this was something I had been planning for and looking forward to since election day. The Obama Re-Election Campaign needed me on the job for Sundays at a starting time that didn't allow me to attend Church. So this Sunday was my big Return from my Mission, so to speak. Mission Accomplished, I might add, for 4 more years. I was going to behave myself, and let the spirit guide my words at Fast and Testimony meeting (a meeting dedicated to showcase individual members fasting for 24 hours for a purpose of seeking guidance, direction, or answers to difficult questions, and any member can get up and bear their testimony in front of the congregation, usually 30 seconds to no more than 5 minutes, more commonly 1 or 2min). I was going to reserve my gloating for after Fast & Testimony meeting, when people would ask me how I did on the Campaign.

We always have left at precisely 8:30 am. This time, my wife decided to leave before 8:20 , which is when I left the basement, where I live, to go out to the car. Too late! The car was gone. This sent me on a whirlwind path of emotions, from anger to disappointment to dysphoria to edification and finally to happiness. I will focus on what led me to being edified and gaining a measure of happiness that I had no idea was coming my way, and didn't know I was deserving of. This keeps happening, and I could have written this several times in the last couple of months.

So, I went inside and immediately to the computer, which has been amazingly theraputic for me in the last few months since acquiring it. I got on facebook and started on my news feed, liking and sharing my usual upbeat, positive, optimistic and edifying photos and sayings, with a status update and emails thrown in. My thoughts were wandering, not fully focused. Then, out of the blue, there it was! A friendship offer from the other side of life...life on Planet Earth. This was no usual suspect country, or expected exotic land. This was a most unexpected, remarkable woman from a place I studied in College, but never knew anybody from. I'm ashamed to admit I had a low opinion of this country, even knowing it's rich history and culture. I really don't have a legitimate reason for my disfavor of this country, it's probably patriotism and xenophobia in minutia. I routinely rail against and chastise others for those traits, and abhor them in myself, even as microscopic flecks.

It was love at first site. I was and am smitten by her. She is foremost on my mind tonight, and I am driven to write about it tonight. But it's not just about infatuation with a new pen pal. A profound thing happened today. Well several. First, missing Church can be a blessing in disguise. I never would have meet my new friend, at least not in the remarkable lasting way I did, had I attended Church today. I am not going to feel guilty for missing Church, that is not an option anymore, I received way more edification today doing what I did, than attending Church. We exchanged pleasantries, and introductions, with a heavy slant toward me talking about myself. In this, I realized I am selfish, and hog the conversation. This is not ladylike, and something I want to change.

My friend was very willing to hear my story, and to explain who and what I am. She has incredible amounts of Love, Empathy, and Compassion. Those of you that know me, know that those are my 3 favorite things. She is so accepting, so kind, so flattering. I have had a whole in my heart since June, when my 2 best friends rejected and renounced their friendship with me over accusing me of taking money from their wedding gifts. Keep in mind I walked the Bride down the isle and was the Best Man. I was stunned, and devastated for weeks. That is finally over! Bygones! I have a new friend that fits perfectly in their place.

"Would you like to know something about me?" was the question on my screen, after several hours. I turned red with embarrassment. I hadn't afforded her the chance to reveal the difficulties and complications in her life. The more she revealed, the more I fell in love with her. She is a pure delight. We found that as impossible as it seems we have an awful lot in common between us. To top it off, she is perhaps the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. So you can see why I am happy tonight, and why I can't get her out of my mind.

I learned some things about myself too. I learned that for one thing, I have an incredible amount of love, and I am dying to share it with others. I am worth being loved by someone, and that someone will be richly reciprocated with the love I can give to them. Second, expect the unexpected. Unexpected things can happen at any time. Yesterday I liked and shared a photo, "I am ready for some blessings that are not in disguise." I shared it sort of flippantly, never expecting it to come to actual fruition, especially not in less than 24 hours. And oh yeah....what happened today, was most definitely a blessing that was 'out of the closet' and in your face...well, my face, at least. And lastly, and perhaps, most importantly, I learned that we should never dichotomize the globe. That is to say, the outdated, unenlightened, and outright bigoted ideology of allies and axis' of so called 'evil' is in fact evil itself. This judgement that we pronounce with blatant disregard for the population of a country, is faulty thinking, and makes revolutionary change and enlightenment more difficult. In particular, this woman's homeland is every bit as valid as my homeland. My countries leaders have made a public point of demonizing the other country and its people, and one party has made a platform out of bombing its people, if fact, a propensity to want to bomb all the worlds brown people. I find it shameful that my own county has over 100 million people that finds that agreeable.

What a rewarding day, and wonderful surprise, a blessing  to meet such a wonderful human being, as the one I met today, from the other side of the Planet. Never forget that one person can make a difference, indeed, that one woman can change the world, and make it a better place. There is no doubt the World is a better place for her being in it. She brings a full smile to every part of my being. Today I am happy. Tomorrow, I will think about her, and I will be happy. To all those who personally have met her face to face, I salute you, for you have been touched by an Angel. I am utterly amazed that I am walking on this Earth finding you, my friend. I love you.

All My Love and Friendship

Leah-Laurelei
p.s. I dedicate this song and this post to me new friend, she knows who she is. May we always remember this day, and the friendship we formed. May we remember each other, always be friends, and be thankful that in all the people of the world, we walked on this Earth and found each other.  "Remember Me, My Friend" by the Blue Jays, Justin Hayward and John Lodge, of the Moody Blues.